Blog entry for:

this is one of those readings that elicits a favorable reaction form me, or as my peers may say, **i really like this reading.** changing motives is an indication of spiritual growth for me, and i could do a contrast and compare and give multiple examples of how my motives have changed over the course of my recovery, that would be boring and mundane, and this morning i am in to going a different direction,or at least sort of. a couple of events in n,my personal life and a few in the news, have got me thinking all about motives and how i react to things. so the Greenwood Village police are not going to give the homeowner, whose house they destroyed to capture a deadly sand very threatening shoplifter, a single penny. their rationale is, that since no one died, it was a success, here is $5000 from our insurance company and oh yeah, by the way, you need to build a holding pond. i wonder if the whole incident was just a foil to try out all their new military toys that they purchased to protect the citizenry of the ever turbulent and dangerous city of Greenwood Village, a city that had exactly 31 violent crimes in 2015. i mean of course they need to destroy other people's property to instill in those scofflaws the “fear of GOD,” and knock that burgeoning crime rate to under 30 in a year. what exactly are the motives of the Greenwood Village Police Department? to me it looks like boys with toys and since they are the police they can practice wherever and whenever the need to root out violent and dangerous shoplifters exists.
so a rich white boy, college athlete gets six months in prison for a violent rape, that he was convicted of, and i am supposed to feel sorry for the mess he made of his life in those “20 minutes?” i love the manner in which his father says that his life is so fVcking ruined, and that six months in prison is far too long for his sweet angel of a son, who got drunk and got mixed signals from a nearly passed out woman, that he did not even know. i believe he deserved to get years and not months in prison, and have his rich family pay restitution until they are bankrupt to the victim of his “indiscretion.” first offense or not, initiating sex with someone incapable of giving consent is rape, PERIOD. “i was really drunk at the time,” would not got someone of color or less rich such a light sentence and their parents certainly would not be all out in the national media boo-hooing about how good their son is and his punishment is way harsher than he deserved. i can not even begin to guess at their motives and why they did not accept this victory and slink away into the slime pit of excess and affluence they have created for themselves, while they whine over martinis to their friends about how unfair it all is.
so i promised a personal example as well. there are people in my life, who consistently bad-mouth others who are a part of my life, at every chance they get. once upon a time, i could and would have used that as an opening for manipulation and exploitation, sort like some of my friends did when i was growing up and their parents were divorced. i was always amazed at what they could get out of one parent or the other, with just a twist of a certain phrase or dropping an interesting tidbit of information, and to tell you the truth i was envious. what i did not understand was that manipulation was a reaction to pain, and when they hurt, they went after something brand new and shiny. i get that, as i participated in the chasing brand new and shiny myself. back to my point, when i started this set of steps, i would have better understood the behavior, as at that time i was quite certain i had reached my capacity to love and i could add no new people into my heart. i would be afraid that when a friend found a new friend, that they too were going to have to kick someone else out of their heart and that someone might be me. as i have worked through this set of steps, i have learned that i am not now, nor have i ever been so broken that i only had a limited capacity to love. i also have discovered that kicking someone to the curb because they do meet or exceed my arbitrary set of behavioral standards, leaves lonely, isolated and withdrawn. there really is not a whole lot of rhyme or reason, as to why i like or do not like someone, but the fact is i do and i have room for more. living in a FAITH based as in FAITH the recovery program that has given me this new life, has shown me that what i once believed were valid motives for my actions are not even close to being part of who i want to be. making myself look better at the expense of someone else, is no longer part of my vision for myself either. i may not be wholly well, genuine or self-assured, but i am certainly more of all of those these days,at least just for today!

∞ DT ∞