โ i still need to identify with other addicts, even after thousands of days in a row clean โ
Posted: Fri, May 21, 2010 08:40:39 AM
i continue coming to meetings to keep in touch with who i am, where i have come from, and where i am going. so this certainly can be one of those readings that i chirp in about how i NEED to follow the suggestions, HOWEVER the reality is that i DO NOT and PROBABLY WILL NOT make meeting attendance any higher priority than it is right now in my life. so instead i will go a different direction because i did hear something this morning that seems to be going along the theme of the past ten days or so, relationships, isolation and listening for the voice of a HIGHER POWER.
how the heck did i get here? for the past ten days or so, actually probably a bit longer than that, but i digress, i have had a gnawing suspicion that something needed to be added to my life. as long as i keep doing what i am doing, i had FAITH that it would become evident. well it has become more and more evident daily. service work, namely service committee work was my substitute for a social life and for developing more personal interests outside of recovery. much as i have resisted this, in fact i have yet to call the addict who i met last weekend in Wyoming, that i know i NEED to start to talking to, i am now certain that my resistance is futile and it is time to get on board with the will of a HIGHER POWER. oh i can resist, manipulate and attempt control, in fact what i contemplate is exactly the same sort of behavior i am getting ready to chide a sponsee about. his behavior, as i see it, is the mirror into my own behavior, the only difference is the focus of that behavior. he is attempting to control things outside of himself., by remote control and has failed miserably. i, on the other hand am failing just as miserably trying to control things within me. the targets are different, BUT the results are the same -- utter and complete frustrating failure at getting the outcomes we desire. ironic how this program works, and guess what, it did not take an additional meeting a week for me to see that.
so on that cheery note, i do believe i will go take care of myself and the dawg by a brisk morning jaunt around the neighborhood and allow myself the freedom to be more than i was yesterday, after all, as different as i may be from others in recovery, i really am the same inside, a control freak that has been installing a braking system since he first accepted the FIRST STEP in his heart of hearts.
how the heck did i get here? for the past ten days or so, actually probably a bit longer than that, but i digress, i have had a gnawing suspicion that something needed to be added to my life. as long as i keep doing what i am doing, i had FAITH that it would become evident. well it has become more and more evident daily. service work, namely service committee work was my substitute for a social life and for developing more personal interests outside of recovery. much as i have resisted this, in fact i have yet to call the addict who i met last weekend in Wyoming, that i know i NEED to start to talking to, i am now certain that my resistance is futile and it is time to get on board with the will of a HIGHER POWER. oh i can resist, manipulate and attempt control, in fact what i contemplate is exactly the same sort of behavior i am getting ready to chide a sponsee about. his behavior, as i see it, is the mirror into my own behavior, the only difference is the focus of that behavior. he is attempting to control things outside of himself., by remote control and has failed miserably. i, on the other hand am failing just as miserably trying to control things within me. the targets are different, BUT the results are the same -- utter and complete frustrating failure at getting the outcomes we desire. ironic how this program works, and guess what, it did not take an additional meeting a week for me to see that.
so on that cheery note, i do believe i will go take care of myself and the dawg by a brisk morning jaunt around the neighborhood and allow myself the freedom to be more than i was yesterday, after all, as different as i may be from others in recovery, i really am the same inside, a control freak that has been installing a braking system since he first accepted the FIRST STEP in his heart of hearts.
∞ DT ∞