∪ eventually, i even avoided other addicts because i refused to share anything ∪
Posted: Thu, May 20, 2010 09:05:22 AM
today, my life is much fuller. enjoyment and fulfillment have returned to my life, these are gifts of my recovery journey. so today i am all sunshine and light even though outside my window it is gray and foggy and i dread dressing to go out to run when it is like this.
why am i here? well for one i just responded to one of my incarcerated sponsees about his step work, and it was breakthrough work, and witnessing that sort of stuff is one of the gifts that i get by being a sponsor. not all of my incarcerated clan is there today, one has just signed his life away for sixteen years, and one is getting a very powerful lesson in exactly what he can and cannot control, as all of his attempts to manage things remotely have blown up in his face and left him isolated. he will be getting a letter in the next few days, to see if he is now finally ready to let go and allow the world to spin as it will.
so all of that is filling me with the HOPE that i can be a part of my life today. i have work to do, i have a book to read, i have interests that go beyond the daily grind of active recovery and i am starting to get a new sense of where i am going. all of this was impossible when i was actively using, as i NEEDED to withdrawn form everyone and everything in the real world. all of that threatened the very fragile and delicate perception of reality that i had constructed across the course of using.
early recovery was not much different, even though the NEED to isolate faded into the DESIRE to isolate. the desire to go this alone, was based on my FEAR of what might happen if i allowed anyone in. i was afraid that IF THEY DISCOVERED WHAT A FREAK SHOW I REALLY WAS, I WOULD TRULY BE ALONE.
forcing myself to partake of life, with others, was one of the most onerous and in the long run rewarding tasks i have ever undertook. i am grateful today for the life full of people that i have been given, even though there are times when it feels overwhelming to me. the recovery process destroyed that oh so delicate reality structure that i had constructed, and today i have no regrets over that destruction. as i reach even deeper, i can see that i have no regrets about what it took to get me to this point, except, perhaps, my own stubborn and foolhardy resistance to the process. after all, resistance is futile, i will be assimilated. so it is off to pierce the fog with the pounding of my feet on the pavement, as i feel that is the next right thing to do. until next time-- be well, i know i will be.
why am i here? well for one i just responded to one of my incarcerated sponsees about his step work, and it was breakthrough work, and witnessing that sort of stuff is one of the gifts that i get by being a sponsor. not all of my incarcerated clan is there today, one has just signed his life away for sixteen years, and one is getting a very powerful lesson in exactly what he can and cannot control, as all of his attempts to manage things remotely have blown up in his face and left him isolated. he will be getting a letter in the next few days, to see if he is now finally ready to let go and allow the world to spin as it will.
so all of that is filling me with the HOPE that i can be a part of my life today. i have work to do, i have a book to read, i have interests that go beyond the daily grind of active recovery and i am starting to get a new sense of where i am going. all of this was impossible when i was actively using, as i NEEDED to withdrawn form everyone and everything in the real world. all of that threatened the very fragile and delicate perception of reality that i had constructed across the course of using.
early recovery was not much different, even though the NEED to isolate faded into the DESIRE to isolate. the desire to go this alone, was based on my FEAR of what might happen if i allowed anyone in. i was afraid that IF THEY DISCOVERED WHAT A FREAK SHOW I REALLY WAS, I WOULD TRULY BE ALONE.
forcing myself to partake of life, with others, was one of the most onerous and in the long run rewarding tasks i have ever undertook. i am grateful today for the life full of people that i have been given, even though there are times when it feels overwhelming to me. the recovery process destroyed that oh so delicate reality structure that i had constructed, and today i have no regrets over that destruction. as i reach even deeper, i can see that i have no regrets about what it took to get me to this point, except, perhaps, my own stubborn and foolhardy resistance to the process. after all, resistance is futile, i will be assimilated. so it is off to pierce the fog with the pounding of my feet on the pavement, as i feel that is the next right thing to do. until next time-- be well, i know i will be.
∞ DT ∞