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last night, i GOT the opportunity to share in a group where i only knew two of my peers. ironically, one of those in attendance called me **serene,** which is not a word i often hear to describe me. i have to take that fellow member at their word and wonder where the rough, gruff and aloof persona i once projected has gone. a few weeks ago, when i was in the throes of dealing with my Dad's fade to black and learning how to forgive those who once stomped all over my identity, i did not project anything but confused angst and anger, as i was told after i shared last week at another meeting. as i move into a place of acceptance about “not knowing” who i am, i guess that is oozing out as some sort of stoicism that might be described as serenity.
what i am also getting this morning, is that perhaps the refreshed newcomer who purports to be my sponsee, may not see me as a “fountainhead” of recovery. in fact, what others see, may not match what he sees at all, and giving him a recovery “ultimatum” of sorts, may not have the affect i once considered it would. as i reread the text i sent him, i can see that i gave him a huge escape hatch and a task that just may be insurmountable for him at this time. since he is all about power and exercising power by manipulation, perhaps the application of my power, in a very straight forward manner will inspire him to so something, even if that “something” is to let me go. the more i let go of who i am, the more that i can see that he and i are very alike, with the exception that i have grown weary of exercising any power that i feel i may have over others.
there certainly is a bit of gratitude in the notion that i am not walking around with a black cloud over my head, and my peers are not running from the “scene of the crime” when i appear. life on these two legs is not as challenging as it was a month ago, even though nothing on the outside has changed. i am still struggling to find my next opportunity. i still have to spend four afternoons checking in on my Mom. i still am in lock down mode when it comes to meetings and personal contact. BUT, all of that has become part of my existence and i am seeing a bit of acceptance around that. i CHOOSE to take care of my MOM,. i work on finding that new opportunity. i am still getting paid well for a job that now ends in August. it does not suck to be me today, and i hope that what my peer saw as serenity last night, was a result of that, and not some sort of front i put up, to look better than i am feeling. just for today, i may sneak out and attend a live meeting, regardless of being tethered to my work computer until Monday morning 8 AM.

∞ DT ∞