Blog entry for:

the only suggested guidelines are that this Power be loving, caring, and greater than myself.
this could be a writing about the nature of such a POWER, or perhaps my journey into uncovering what this POWER is for me. yes it could be either of those, however what i heard this morning, when i took the time to listen was instead a feeling of amazement about how obtuse and stubborn i can be.
i did not want to have to surrender to anything, and my first set of steps allowed me to get through my first 13 months of recovery without ever having to make that sort of surrender. after all, i had my sponsor's HIGHER POWER and his method of forming a relationship, i stayed clean and i got to come to a point where it was not working for me. my journey into the spiritual side of the program actually started right there and then, and has continued to this day.
from that point forward, recovery became a tricky proposition for me and i spent the next five or six months sponsoring myself. if not for the grace of the POWER that fuels my recovery, those times would have been the end of my spiritual growth. i denied that something was working in my life, dismissing the evidence as superstition and coincidence, all the time the conflict within me was growing. the evidence was accumulating that i NEEDED tr work STEP ONE for real, and yet i resisted, diverted and generally did everything i could to prove it was my efforts that were keep me from using and that i really could go through life without succumbing to the thrall of needing this whole HIGHER POWER gig.
i was wrong back then, and when i look at that time frame from the comfort of a few more days down the recovery path, i see how distorted my belief system was in the name of rationality and self-reliance. i tried all sorts of crazy experiments and actually was in a room where one of my favorite substances was being consumed, far from home and in the thrall of addictive behaviors. something got me through that experience clean, and mostly intact, but the FEAR of what almost happened drove me into the arms of mainstream program. i finally could start my exploration of a spiritual means of living. since the time i could actually start to think for myself, i was one of those who believed that the world was what i could see, and what science said it was. nothing was unexplained and there was nothing but cause and effect, the so-called miracles were a fiction created to explain events beyond the capabilities of the current state of science. the whole mythology of God and HIGHER POWER, was just that, stories told to give comfort.
today, i am no longer blind to the wonders of events that occur in my life, that cannot be explained, and easily attribute those events to the POWER that fuels my recovery. i finally saw that the removal of the desire to use came from outside of me. access to the tools that make this manner of living possible, also comes from external sources. nothing in this realm requires a rational explanation anymore, as i am quite comfortable being an addict in active recovery, looking for evidence of a POWER beyond my limited understanding and happy that POWER works without rational explanations.
with that thought in mind, i think i will get a bit more work done, before i hit the showers. my back is starting to get back to feeling good, and i see my hiatus from running and working out coming to an end. it is great day to look seek a spiritual solution and i think i will open myself up for that possibility.

∞ DT ∞