Blog entry for:

let the POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY take care of me each day. that is of course the hardest part, after all that POWER has so much more to do, so many more important things and events to deal with, how can IT possibly have time to take care of me as well? this is where my spirituality diverges from the core belief system that was the seed of this program of recovery when its roots were set down. those men and women came from a more or less homogenous spiritual background and had a common understanding of what they thought about this whole HIGHER POWER gig, in fact the remnants of that belief system are still firmly engrained in their meetings. i am however not a member there, as i knew after 13 months that i would never survive in those rooms. moving on to a more “modern” fellowship, i am given the creative freedom to define or not define that POWER, and the rooms i am part of, do their level best to eliminate as much of that spiritual bias as possible and allowed me to follow my own spiritual path in this regard, in word as well as in deed.
what does any of that have to do with turning acceptance into surrender? quite honestly, if i had to surrender my life into the care of a POWER that was forced down my that, no matter how gently, i would have never gotten 12 hours clean, much less…
enough about external factors and the politics of spirituality. the stuff i started with at the top is what i tell myself, as i feel myself moving into a place where i actually want to surrender my will and my life into the care of anything other than me. that self talk is the leftovers of part of the problem. the problem? the ides that somehow i am worth less than those around me, and without the cushion of chemically induced bliss, facing that is tough. as i stay clean each day, i am forced to face up to the fact, that no matter what i feel about who and what i am, i have as much value as any other creature walking this physical plane. IF that as the case and i CAN accept that as my basic premise for my existence today, than i have no problem surrendering my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my addiction. after all, that POWER keeps me clean, that POWER provides me with the opportunities to get what i WANT and most importantly to get what i NEED. accepting that as well, is the first move this stubborn, head strong addict can make towards surrendering, and after all, no matter how i dress it up, surrender is part of my life in recovery. when i move into to a place that i am worth being cared for, all is well. to foster that notion, i do my level best to live by the values that are important to me, which happen to be a gift of recovery, as i had hidden those values under the sh!t pile of active addiction. this the feedback cycle begins. i have worth -> i accept i CANNOT stay clean under my own power -> i live up to my values -> i am worth being cared for -> so i surrender my life into the care of a POWER greater than myself and my addiction. and so it goes.
well anyhow, just for today, i CAN surrender by being present and what i am hearing now, is get back to work, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞