Some memes

is a mess, where i lost a plethora of stuff, the worst of all of that was that i lost myself. it was not as if i really knew who i was when i came to recovery, but the years of living a lie and playing whatever role i needed to play to manipulate my way to get what i desired, left very little of my identity. one might say, my creative action of adapting to my circumstances, left lots of fear, uncertainty and doubt about where recovery could take me. that issue is still at play today, as i prepare to get started on my Fourth Step. not to the extent it was in those early days, but certainly enough that when my sponse and i talked about it this morning FEAR was the major issue.
today, has been one where i am way out of my normal routine, as i met with my sponse and have a meeting with a sponsee in a little while. i got my workout in and that left little time to write this before sitting down to discuss my spiritual progress or lack thereof with my sponse. actually it was a good meeting for me, as it got me to pin down what it was that is bothering me spiritually. i described it to friends and to him as a “spiritual itch that i could not scratch.” i may not be able to scratch it quite yet, but the itch has been diminished and i have a path forward.
so i spoke of FEAR above and the FEAR that is tripping me up is that IF i let go of my “double secret probation expectations list” and the damage it does to me, when i fall into that ancient and familiar path, i will end up like some Suzy Sunshine version of myself that i could not like in any context. i know that fear is not rational, as the steps have never transformed me into what i was not and never anything close to my greatest fears. with that in mind, i will get this little ditty posted and move on with my day. it is a good day to let go of what may be and embrace the what is.

∞ DT ∞