Some memes

who i am not, and who i want to be, seems to be the main focus of my creative action, these days. i have already started in two disparate threads based on this seed, and one sounded, in my mind, to be a rehash of what i have said before and the other felt more like a bumper sticker or advertisement for my “brand” of recovery. the reality of my life today, is that it is quite true that a little over three years ago, i came out of a self-made prison after decades in solitary confinement. the man who walked out into the light had very few clues about who he was, who he was not and certainly where he might be going. the focus of my recovery has been to allow myself to figure that shit out and live as my true self, which on the surface, looks like the simplest task in the world. perhaps it is, but it has been far from easy.
this morning, as i sat and stopped thinking about what cigar i was going to smoke today, i felt a certainty that for the first time, in a very long time, i am finally being freed from the shackles of my past. i know that when i sit and consider what cigar to choose, i am actually distracting myself from what i am starting to 𔃈hear” in my heart. what i did not want to feel was the ennui of being stuck in my recovery. i have been marching in place since that FIFTH STEP, telling myself i cannot possibly move forward until i get the who am i question all sussed out. 🤔 i am more than certain, now anyhow, that i do not “have to𗾭 have the answer to that question today and that more will be revealed, as i start writing my steps. i am fighting my internal unmanageability with my familiar weapons of denial and distraction. the result is that i may not be ecstatically happy, but i am not morosely sad either. this was the emotional state i sought in active addiction and in my active recovery, it is certainly a symptom of me not addressing what is on my table.
as i prepare to head out to the Rec Center this morning, i know that is the next right thing to do, for me anyhow. it may not be sub 20°F outside this morning, but i certainly feel as if my body needs another “light-ish” workout. i also can see now that my FEAR of uncovering my true self is what is stopping me from allowing myself to be free. i have encountered this fear more than once, across my recovery journey and i have never dies from walking through it, to see what is on the other side. maybe, just maybe, in my downtime this evening, i will put some pen to paper and write on the assignment that is currently on my desk. just for today, however, i will walk in the sunlight of the spirit and be okay with what i uncover.

∞ DT ∞