Blog entry for:

the handiwork of the POWER that fuels my recovery. the most astounding project, i can think of right off the top of my head is me! i was broken and looked way beyond any hope of being repaired, when i walked into the rooms. i was angry, sullen, withdrawn and far too intelligent for any of this to stuck for very long. and yet, i kept coming back, probably trying to stubbornly prove how wrong all those members were about this process being able to work its stuff on me. yes i was here to spite all of you,. to prove what a sham this all was and to clear the smoke and mirrors from the stage. lo and behold, i am still here. the smoke and mirrors exist only in my head, and even they are being consumed and repurposed as i get better.
so who exactly, is to blame?
it is true, i have to take some credit for the transformation into the person i have become: i did the writing, i acted as-if, i became habituated to a spiritual life and i opened my mind to the possibility that this might work for me. i honestly cannot not the lion's share of the credit, as there are forces that began to work me over when i finally admitted that i was an addict and have continues ever since. there is a POWER that gives me the power to stay clean today. there are people in my life who pass me the word of that POWER. and there is the fellowship inn general, full of both positive and negative role models, giving behavior to model in my own life. the amazing thing is that i am here, and not in prison, some convalescence home somewhere or six feet under, due to my active addiction. part of being here, is that i get to be present for what is going on and i understand that the POWER that fuels my recovery is not yet finished with the remodel job that is the man i am today. yes, there are times when it feels good to sullen, angry and withdrawn. like that stinky pair of old beat-up shoes, that are so comfortable i cannot bear to part with them, that mindset feels like where i need to be. most of the time, however, that is not where i want or need to be. yes, sometimes it is uncomfortable living in a construction project, especially when a major renovation of STEPS 4 through 6 are going on, but the end result, temporary as it is, is worth the dust and noise.
anyhow, i have to get rolling down to Denver. driving again, because i have stuff to do, so send me a good thought or two to help me deal with the frustration of driving in traffic. it is really nothing for me to use over, today.

∞ DT ∞