ยข i can take time to appreciate the world around me. ยข
Posted: Sun, Jan 12, 2014 10:39:22 AM
it amazes me that sometimes my past is just ready to spring up and smack me down with resentments i never remembered forming, much less still carrying. i was at a celebration yesterday, and two people, whom i had not seen in quite some time, showed up. one who just brings back memories of a chaotic time and what happens when outside stuff becomes more important than recovery. the other? well a living and breathing example of what i never want to become. a thief, a liar and worst of all, a master of spiritual camouflage, that can wrap up the most outrageous activities and behaviors in soothing words that make it look like it okay.
enough about them, the point being, that neither of these people, really did anything to me, but one i could strangle to within an inch of their life and feel justified by doing so, the other i just feel sad for, and can quite easily let go and move on, which happened on my TENTH STEP last night.
so basically i batted .500 last night in dealing with my crap. every time, i got around to looking at my stuff, the anger resurfaced and as i sit here this morning, i can feel my temperature rising. what am i so angry about? well it goes to another conversation i had yesterday, all about what is in the past. how do i let go of, “justified” resentments and more importantly the power i willingly give up, when i start moving through them again. that really is what irks me the most, the fact that i surrender my power to someone that is not worth having power over me. they are clueless about the power i have given them and if they know, it would look so fVcking ludicrous, that the both of us would roll on the floor. it is here, that i can insert the analogy about resentments and sh!tting my pants, i am the only one who knows about it, and as warm as it feels, it really stinks and is quite a mess to clean-up. yes, i am a volunteer here, as much as i want to play myself as the victim. what they did, way back when as heinous as it was or was not, is really not relevant in my life today. if i interact with them, i will remember who i am dealing with and take more than a few simple precautions, as i will never again buy what they are selling.
what i wanted to do, way back when was to expose them for what i thought they were, before they could do any more damage. so my anger really is directed at myself, for not doing the next right thing, in the distant past. as i start to unwind my feelings here, i see that not exposing the fraud, was certainly the next right thing to do in the past, and today i can forgive myself for being stronger than i thought i was back in the day. the real fraud here, is me, as i am carrying a load of crap that needs to be dumped into the bit-bucket, forever.
after a few minutes of taking care of my household chores i am back at this. so what i really meant to say, is put the feelings i have carried along all these years into the bit-bucket, yes they exist, yes they are valid, but is it worth the freight on my spirit to keep reliving them, or would the effort to relieve myself of them be a better way to go? i think the latter and that process is already in motion. i did indeed take some perverse pleasure in the fact that the intervening years were not kind and that they have not aged very well. that, too, will need to be run through my TENTH STEP process tonight, as it is far from the spiritual path that i want to walk upon today.
so BOOM, power be gone, i hereby officially and irrevocably, start the process to surrender this person and the power i allow them to have over me, into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as it does me no good to hang on to it. and before i go, GO BRONCOS, bring one home for the fans!
enough about them, the point being, that neither of these people, really did anything to me, but one i could strangle to within an inch of their life and feel justified by doing so, the other i just feel sad for, and can quite easily let go and move on, which happened on my TENTH STEP last night.
so basically i batted .500 last night in dealing with my crap. every time, i got around to looking at my stuff, the anger resurfaced and as i sit here this morning, i can feel my temperature rising. what am i so angry about? well it goes to another conversation i had yesterday, all about what is in the past. how do i let go of, “justified” resentments and more importantly the power i willingly give up, when i start moving through them again. that really is what irks me the most, the fact that i surrender my power to someone that is not worth having power over me. they are clueless about the power i have given them and if they know, it would look so fVcking ludicrous, that the both of us would roll on the floor. it is here, that i can insert the analogy about resentments and sh!tting my pants, i am the only one who knows about it, and as warm as it feels, it really stinks and is quite a mess to clean-up. yes, i am a volunteer here, as much as i want to play myself as the victim. what they did, way back when as heinous as it was or was not, is really not relevant in my life today. if i interact with them, i will remember who i am dealing with and take more than a few simple precautions, as i will never again buy what they are selling.
what i wanted to do, way back when was to expose them for what i thought they were, before they could do any more damage. so my anger really is directed at myself, for not doing the next right thing, in the distant past. as i start to unwind my feelings here, i see that not exposing the fraud, was certainly the next right thing to do in the past, and today i can forgive myself for being stronger than i thought i was back in the day. the real fraud here, is me, as i am carrying a load of crap that needs to be dumped into the bit-bucket, forever.
after a few minutes of taking care of my household chores i am back at this. so what i really meant to say, is put the feelings i have carried along all these years into the bit-bucket, yes they exist, yes they are valid, but is it worth the freight on my spirit to keep reliving them, or would the effort to relieve myself of them be a better way to go? i think the latter and that process is already in motion. i did indeed take some perverse pleasure in the fact that the intervening years were not kind and that they have not aged very well. that, too, will need to be run through my TENTH STEP process tonight, as it is far from the spiritual path that i want to walk upon today.
so BOOM, power be gone, i hereby officially and irrevocably, start the process to surrender this person and the power i allow them to have over me, into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as it does me no good to hang on to it. and before i go, GO BRONCOS, bring one home for the fans!
∞ DT ∞