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way back when i came to recovery and actually became a member, i was told that i was in a bad neighborhood, whenever i was in my own head. i also heard time and again that my first thought was always wrong. those notions became mantras of a sort and i made them mine, doubting my intuition and “feelings” for years on end. in fact, i still hear many of my peers, who have years clean and who have learned to live the steps, still using those statements as a basis of their decision-making process. as i grow in my recovery, i become more resistant to the notion that i cannot be trusted and that i cannot make sound decisions, without jumping through a whole lot of hoops. the fact is, as a result of having many spiritual awakenings, most of the time, i “know” what the next right thing is, and take action.
i do not have any “inside track” to what i NEED to do next and i claim no moral or intellectual high ground here. it has been my experience that as i learned what this recovery gig was really all about and watched my peers walk through their lives, i became better able to trust the untrustworthy sot who was sentenced to a life of abstinence. what once felt as if i had died and gone to HELL, now feels quite different, especially since Heaven and Hell are no longer part of my spiritual path. every day may not be a laugh fest or a vision of HOPE and FAITH, but i do know that i choose to respond to the events around me, instead of reacting to them. as a result, my first thought is not always wrong, in fact when i am living my program, that first thought is often the correct one.
my next thought is getting out into this chilly morning and seeing how it goes. i slipped on some ice yesterday and injured my hip and the fourth toe on my right foot. i am pretty sure i will not be running, but i might be able to get a decent step count without making things worse. it is a good day to allow myself freedom from self-doubt and “listen” for the guidance that come=s from my heart and not my head, just for today.

∞ DT ∞