Blog entry for:

i know i have said this before and will probably repeat myself again and again, but the last thing that i thought would happen when i stopped using was that i would start to awaken to the spiritual side of the world. what i did not say yesterday and what needs to be said this morning is that i am not a creature that comes quickly to believe or have FAITH in anything, especially the intangible. when i entered the rooms for what i intended to be a very brief stay the concept that confused me the most was all this talk about spirituality. spiritual this and spiritual that seemed to be the words of scared, superstitious people seeking explanations for things beyond their limited intelligence. and truthfully all that talk about spiritual principles and such almost made me leave this process before i even gave it a chance to work, after all if i had to drop all the rational beliefs i had in how things functioned and become an idiot who speaks in tongues and rolls on the floor to stay clean, i would rather use.
well my first sponsor guided me into the frame of mind that i needed. he gently but ever so firmly convinced me that perhaps i had some more things to learn about the nature of life and the world around me. the behaviors and traits that i admired in others were actually spiritual principles that i could apply in my own life, you know concepts like empathy, self-respect, trust and self-acceptance. so i honestly tried to accept that i was a spiritual being who had cut himself off from the divine through years of using and abusing substances, people and things to fill the inner emptiness that had been a part of me since long before i ever picked-up my first substance.
some people would say i had a ‘GOD-shaped hole’ in my soul, i am not quite on board with that metaphor, but i do know that once i accepted that i had a condition that required daily maintenance to arrest and that a path to the world beyond my senses would help me in the remission process. i began to have HOPE that my life could be more.
that spark of HOPE has grown over the chain of days that i have been recovering and allowed me to learn how to be a responsible, caring and diligent part of the world into which i was born. i have discovered i no longer need the daily feedback about what a good boy i am or a mailbox full of royalty checks to know that i can carry this message of HOPE to those who suffer from the condition that i did when i was sentenced to a life of abstinence from the use of drugs.
i can accept today that there is more going on in the world around than i can perceive and allow others the freedom to interpret that in any manner they wish. and i can also accept that the causes and conditions that led to my first use will return, if i choose to turn my back on that spiritual realm. i have been given many gifts as the promise of freedom from active addiction was realized in my life but the most important is a growing feeling of certainty that i am on the right spiritual path and one that will continue to enlighten and confuse me on a daily basis. so as i continue to awaken to the spiritual side of myself and the world around me, i will become more like those people who i admire and less like the monster i believed i once was. i will be a positive force on the world around me and my presence will be less of a burden in the fabric that binds us together. i am spiritually awake today and ready to face the world in a manner that will allow the awakening process to continue, at least right now!
∞ DT ∞