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and the amends process. well unlike many of my peers, i had very little desire to make any sort of amends when i got clean. i still had my conscience turned way down and the shame machine had yet to get cranking. while it is true that i “worked” a NINTH step in the period between getting clean and finally coming to recovery. i only changed one behavior, sleeping around outside of committed relationships, the so-called monk vow and i lived up to that for five or so years. in reality, however, that was more about looking good, rather than feeling good.
as i “grew up” in recovery, i came to see that i had all sorts of behaviors and the damage they caused to make amends for and when i finally arrived at STEP NINE again, i was much more thorough and got a whole lot more out of the experience. in fact, those gifts keep coming and when i finally had reached the point of allowing myself to make amends to me, i was certainly ready to forgive myself. as i watch my Mom slide down the tubes towards her final demise and deal with my hysterical niece , who has appointed herself my Mom's caregiver, i have decided that i do not want to push those who may still love out of my life, by having expectations of them or lying to them about what i am willing and capable of doing. in less than three days, none of this will be my concern. if i did not know any better, i would say that my Mom is attempting to sabotage my trip. that sort of thinking is what kept me in addiction for so long and allowed me to check-out for the past six months from her life. i tired of her lies and her demands and was more than grateful to have my niece take on that burden. so now she is once again in the hospital and i have stuff to do, even though it is all about me.
this morning, my job is to forgive my Mom, for reals, and allow her the peace of mind to know that i love her and never expected her to even apologize for what she did to me over the course of my life. instead of working at the cigar store, i may be working at the hospital this afternoon, but more will certainly be revealed. in the mean time, it is time to prepare for work meeting. life will go on, Mom will either survive another day or she will not, and i will get my stuff done for work and committed before i quit for the day. just for today, i will let go of the hysterics and breathe, after all, i am not in a world of hurting any more.

∞ DT ∞