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by what i can dream. as i ride the bus this very dark morning, i do have to ponder whether or not my current spiritual state is a result of not doing my step work, or could it be i am just bored of my current routine, and i am trying to inject some chaos into my life. the real answer is that i want to inject some chaos into my life to distract myself from the task at hand, writing my step work. as much sense as that makes, it is still hard for me to accept, after all, i have some time, i have worked all 12 steps and i know the benefits of writing a FOURTH STEP, and yet…
i balk. i distract myself with judgements and petulant spiritual tantrums, once again trying to separate myself from the pack and find a different way to do this gig. i did get the writing started last night and i am committed to making the time to do so tonight, as much as i want to resist doing so. i can and will recover, when as the reading so plainly points out, “I GET OUT OF THE WAY.”
i have an addict in my life who is celebrating 33 years clean, and although her life has been tossed at least not so over easy in the past year, she still is clean. there are times when i did not see eye to eye with her, and i am certain that in the future, we will have our disagreements, and they may even be disagreeable. what it boils down to, is that IF she can keep plugging away at this one day at a time, so can i. the only thing stopping me, is myself. if i want to live my dreams, no matter what they happen to be today, than i have to live a program of recovery. no matter how i slice it, that is the only answer for an addict like me. i ave fulfilled all sorts of dreams, and new ones are being revealed to me even today, like the possibility of working for my alma mater. and yet, i feel the deadly creep ennui slowly infesting me and my spirit, sort of like an insidious virus, that progresses so slowly that it is nearly undetectable. the symptoms are here and more importantly so is the solution and it may not be pre-ordering a brand new IPAD! yes my friends it just may be as simple as work the steps and get the fVck out of the way, and i think i will go with that this morning.

∞ DT ∞