Blog entry for:

to understand my spiritual experiences and incorporate them into my daily life. although as i sit here this morning, listening to acid jazz fusion, and trying to decide if i NEED to spend more money when the company i am currently working for laid off more than 200 business analysts yesterday, certainly does speak to the level of spiritual fitness i am demonstrating. the music is not the symptom, the money i am considering spending is!
so what does it mean? when i DID meditate, and it is weird meditating about trying to listen for and identify profound spiritual experiences, i heard a whole lot of quiet. which for me, feels like exactly what i was supposed to hear. with friends in and out of the program and giving up when the going gets a little tough; with sponsees wanting to contact me, but refusing to do more than to leave one phone message when there are other ways to arrange time to speak; with my work life all of a sudden tossed into the hopper of great uncertainty; with a well-deserved vacation looming; quiet was exactly the spiritual experience i NEEDED this morning.
of course, getting what i needed was not what i wanted. i wanted all of that and much much more removed from consideration, swept away into the bit bucket of spiritual nothingness and the answers to all my concerns to be presented with the sound of an ethereal trump fanfare. all i got was 10 minutes of absolute nothingness. as i repeat that over and over again here and in my head, there is a certain sense of calm that starts to come over me. the fact that i did not spend 375 dollars on another piece of software, YET. the fact that i did not cut-off an alternate means to contact me from my recalcitrant sponsees and the fact that i am spending time, just typing away at this, is all the evidence i need that i am doing the exact next right thing and i am getting the spiritual experience that i need, right here and right now. i also got a sense of well-being as i planned my day, during the early phases of that eerie quiet, which while not all that unusual, in the circumstances of my life today was more than a bit surprising. this whole gig of being present, listening for answers, and integrating that knowledge into my life, still feels so fVcking brand new, i wonder if i really did get clean over five thousand days ago.
all this speculation leads me to a single conclusion, SURRENDER, move on to the next right thing and allow what will happen to just happen, right here and right now. the simply elegant solution to the seemingly intractable issues i think i need to face today.

∞ DT ∞