Blog entry for:

indications of my spiritual path into my daily life, is not always an easy task or something i **feel** i NEED to do. the reality of the situation is, that most of the time, this sort of integration happens seamlessly and without much forethought or effort on my part. when the exceptions arise, well that is when i get confused and gather an illusory sort of power through the exercise of self-will. i am not great at seeing the what i am doing in these times and often surround myself with an echo chamber, which more than likely will enhance my sense of “rightness” and provide me the feedback to continue down that path. it often takes a strong and contradictory emotional response, before i can see that maybe, just maybe, i am avoiding the answer and forcing something that should not be.
i am not what i consider and overly emotional sort of person, in fact, for me a very pleasant side-effect of using, was the leveling out of my emotions. the roller-coaster ride of early recovery left me some time ago and i generally accept feelings for what they are, transient and fleeting and not something i need to manage, control or defend. allowing myself to have to defend a very strong emotional reaction the other day, was not part of how i live most days. allowing myself to be drawn into a conversation when i was clueless about the “why” of my feeling, was my second mistake that evening. the third and final strike was the idiotic means by which i continued to defend, long after i really did not need to. after a few days, the feeling is still there, albeit not nearly as powerful as before, but i can accept it that i feel what i feel and move on. if asked i will offer my opinion, but just for right now, i will let go of my self-will and my DESIRE to ream someone a new opening through which to defecate and be okay as the world spins as it will without my assistance.
of course it took several days of meditation and a couple of meetings for me to reach this spot. as i sat and listen each and every day, i heard less and less about the resentments of others and more and more about why i felt so disrespected and marginalized. in the long run, it will be what it will be and i will be who i am, opinionated, passionate and strongly emotional. it is all part of who i am and more than likely will not be going anywhere soon. so it is off to my Saturday morning to enjoy the freedom i have, for as long as it may last.

∞ DT ∞