Blog entry for:

Tue, Sep 25, 2012 08:33:56 AM


♦ i no longer NEED to be afraid of my feelings ♦
posted: Tue, Sep 25, 2012 08:33:56 AM

 

with the help of POWER that fuels my recovery, i will continue to do the next right thing.
i have been going on and on about not feelling pain and turning it into anger and feeling that just fine. i guess i no longer need to go on about that, at least not today, so i will move into something different.
i shared the other night, about my paradigm shift to a HOPE based program. as comfortable as that feels, it does not mean that FEAR does not creep back into my recovery and consume me. FEAR of feeling pain, is part of what i am learning in my SIXTH STEP and although the clues are slow in coming, i am starting to see exactly what is motivating my desire to NOT feel the pain of facing my past.
that however, is a topic of conversation for me and my sponse, as much as i would love to go into here, it is better left for the privacy of someone i trust with my life. i will say this, as i get deeper to the root cause, i see that it is my internalization of the cultural and social messages i have received all of my life, that is wreaking havoc with the direction i feel i NEED to be moving in.
the HOPE? well that i can get entirely ready to discard what i think i need to look like to fit in with the expectations that i have come to believe are part of living in the real world. the truth is, that belief system has been killing me, since i was 15 years old, and although i have made strides in discarding bits and pieces of it, it still is part of my life. ironic, that it is my character defect of “keeping up with the Joneses,” that is still the most active in my life. i can state that i am sick and tired of working and worrying about how i look to others and am ready to get off that particular treadmill. that may be yet another symptom of becoming entirely ready, it certainly is starting to feel that way. the next right thing? suit up and go out for a fitness walk, while my hamstring works on healing as well. it is a great day to be clean and be present for whatever happens to come down the pike.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

two days 222 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2004 by: donnot
∞ i have never died from a feeling ∞ 381 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2005 by: donnot
∞ it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves ∞ 335 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away ∞ 578 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by: donnot
… if i hurt from the pain of my defects, i can remind myself of … 483 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2008 by: donnot
ξ when i was using, all i felt was the drugs ξ 626 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2009 by: donnot
∧ i may fear that being in touch with my feelings will trigger … 467 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2010 by: donnot
≤  THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY will care for me ≥ 479 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2011 by: donnot
∗ if i hurt from the pain of my defects, ∗ 474 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2013 by: donnot
β  i can remind myself of the nightmare of addiction, β  739 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2014 by: donnot
∩ fearing my feelings ∪ 438 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2015 by: donnot
🌀 an overwhelming 🌀 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2016 by: donnot
🎲 denial protects 🎱 705 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2017 by: donnot
🤕 i am painfully 🤯 506 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2018 by: donnot
🙈 refusing to acknowledge 🙉 582 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2019 by: donnot
💤 the nightmare 💤 492 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 the 4TH step 🎭 362 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2021 by: donnot
🤐 i will  🤫 529 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2022 by: donnot
🌤 honesty 🌥 349 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

1) That saying of the ancients that 'the partial becomes complete'
was not vainly spoken:--all real completion is comprehended under
it.