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Wed, Sep 25, 2013 10:48:33 AM


∗ if i hurt from the pain of my defects, ∗
posted: Wed, Sep 25, 2013 10:48:33 AM

 

i can remind my of the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which i have now awakened.
so this morning, the drive to work was certainly as heinous as it could get in good weather, on dry pavement, back-ups miles long because of the actions of others. defects of character, certainly kick in, when i am in traffic, and to my credit not a single driver got the single fingered salute from me. i was not the most serene and accepting driver on the road, and took more than one detour through the countryside, to get to work this morning, and yet it was still an hour to travel less than 20 miles. i felt trapped and powerless, familiar feelings, from the end of active addiction, and when i finally got a chance to sit down and allow myself a moment to stop and breathe, i see that more than one metaphor here.
it is true, i HATE feeling like i have no power, and yet in those instances, i seem to give away what power i do possess. truthfully, there is only one thing i am totally powerless over all the time, and that is addiction. traffic lights, accidents and the weather, i can prepare for, anticipate some of the consequences, but in the long run, i am also powerless over them as well. the feelings that arise from such situations are driven by my seemingly inherent NEED to be in control, which i what i had the illusion of, way back when i was still using. that denial system, although mostly dismantled through the recovery process, still has remnants that are active today. it seems that familiar and comfortable feelings and reactions take more time to be removed than has already elapsed. which brings me back to feeling powerless. i hold up my part in this relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery and yet there still exists the stuff that got burned into me across the course of active addiction, and all i want is FREEDOM from that sh!t.
all things are however, relevant. the reading reminds me, that no matter where i happen to be in my recovery process, i am certainly better off than when i started and all i have to do is remember what it used to be like, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. IF i want relief, than the next right thing to do, is to finish my assignment, and move forward in my recovery. whether that means writing a FOURTH STEP or practicing truly anonymous, selfless service.
with that in mind, i think i will serve those who are giving me the money to survive and get back to work. it is a good day to be…

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

two days 222 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2004 by: donnot
∞ i have never died from a feeling ∞ 381 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2005 by: donnot
∞ it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves ∞ 335 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away ∞ 578 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by: donnot
… if i hurt from the pain of my defects, i can remind myself of … 483 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2008 by: donnot
ξ when i was using, all i felt was the drugs ξ 626 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2009 by: donnot
∧ i may fear that being in touch with my feelings will trigger … 467 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2010 by: donnot
≤  THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY will care for me ≥ 479 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2011 by: donnot
♦ i no longer NEED to be afraid of my feelings ♦ 433 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2012 by: donnot
β  i can remind myself of the nightmare of addiction, β  739 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2014 by: donnot
∩ fearing my feelings ∪ 438 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2015 by: donnot
🌀 an overwhelming 🌀 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2016 by: donnot
🎲 denial protects 🎱 705 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2017 by: donnot
🤕 i am painfully 🤯 506 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2018 by: donnot
🙈 refusing to acknowledge 🙉 582 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2019 by: donnot
💤 the nightmare 💤 492 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 the 4TH step 🎭 362 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2021 by: donnot
🤐 i will  🤫 529 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2022 by: donnot
🌤 honesty 🌥 349 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

2) The superior man ordinarily considers the left hand the most honourable
place, but in time of war the right hand. Those sharp weapons are
instruments of evil omen, and not the instruments of the superior
man;--he uses them only on the compulsion of necessity. Calm and repose
are what he prizes; victory (by force of arms) is to him undesirable.
To consider this desirable would be to delight in the slaughter of
men; and he who delights in the slaughter of men cannot get his will
in the kingdom.