Blog entry for:

Sat, Sep 25, 2010 08:50:20 AM


∧ i may fear that being in touch with my feelings will trigger …
posted: Sat, Sep 25, 2010 08:50:20 AM

 

an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. although it has been my experience, that is not the case. i have never died from a feeling nor have i ever been so overcome by pain and panic that i was immobilized into a catatonic state. nevertheless, when i approach things that trigger strong feelings, i still get that same reaction: FEAR that maybe this time…
it is not that old FEAR that is the problem, i understand what that comes form. that comes from the part of me that i call my addiction. coming from that part of me, it is a valid feeling, after all, every time i face a painful feeling and survive the cascade of reactions to that feeling, addiction has one less tool to use against the part of me that desires to be a healthy, whole and genuine person. okay i am back in that trap of talking about myself as if i was some sort of multiple personality patient. addiction is not some alien within, although sometimes it feels like. nor is addiction a full-blown personality like someone called Raoul, who i used to blame for those things i could not push off on to someone else. addiction is part of the person i am. i can acknowledge that and move on. the problem comes when i speak to my conflicting feelings within, so i have to resort into speaking of things as if there were multiple personalities within me. the part of me i call my addict is no different than the part of me that wants to recover, in a physical sense. emotionally that part of me is incapable of facing the reality of feelings, and has taught my whole person that drug induced euphoria is a GREAT alternative to feeling. after 25 years of such conditioning, it is not so hard to understand why when i see possibly painful feelings coming down the pike, that FEAR is my first reaction. i can choose to cave in, or i can walk with courage and face that situation and see that once again i will survive a bout of painful feelings, in fact i will be better off, because of such an experience.
so even though i was up way to early this morning, and even though i have yet to succeed in everything i wanted to accomplish this morning, i am okay and i am ready to take myself and the dawg out for a nice long walk. i can and i will face any feelings that may arise today, painful or not. there is life in recovery and i think i will go enjoy some of it this morning, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

two days 222 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2004 by: donnot
∞ i have never died from a feeling ∞ 381 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2005 by: donnot
∞ it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves ∞ 335 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away ∞ 578 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by: donnot
… if i hurt from the pain of my defects, i can remind myself of … 483 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2008 by: donnot
ξ when i was using, all i felt was the drugs ξ 626 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2009 by: donnot
≤  THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY will care for me ≥ 479 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2011 by: donnot
♦ i no longer NEED to be afraid of my feelings ♦ 433 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2012 by: donnot
∗ if i hurt from the pain of my defects, ∗ 474 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2013 by: donnot
β  i can remind myself of the nightmare of addiction, β  739 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2014 by: donnot
∩ fearing my feelings ∪ 438 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2015 by: donnot
🌀 an overwhelming 🌀 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2016 by: donnot
🎲 denial protects 🎱 705 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2017 by: donnot
🤕 i am painfully 🤯 506 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2018 by: donnot
🙈 refusing to acknowledge 🙉 582 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2019 by: donnot
💤 the nightmare 💤 492 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 the 4TH step 🎭 362 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2021 by: donnot
🤐 i will  🤫 529 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2022 by: donnot
🌤 honesty 🌥 349 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

2) There are few in the world who attain to the teaching without words,
and the advantage arising from non-action.