Blog entry for:

Fri, Sep 25, 2009 09:28:15 AM


ξ when i was using, all i felt was the drugs ξ
posted: Fri, Sep 25, 2009 09:28:15 AM

 

i ignored the suffering my defects caused me. now that the drugs are gone, i feel that pain. refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away. today, i face those defects head-on, and even when i am afraid, i can move through the fear and find a new manner of living, enough said! ta-ta for now.
of course, i am far to narcissistic to leave it at that. even admitting that is tough some days, but seriously, this reading brings up all sorts of feeling in me even today. not that i believe that i am in denial about my character defects, the behaviors that arise from them, and the consequences to myself and others when i finish that cycle. no i am painfully aware of all of that and more. i even understand that i have a choice to finish those cycles out tot the end, or break them some time after the character defect starts to kick in. after all, i have worked the steps. and have some time clean, and a bit of understanding of how painful it is to live, believing that i am some sort of victim of my defects of character. that makes it even worse, i KNOW better and yet i CONTINUE to ACT on them.
so i could stay in the doom and gloom and offer very little in the way of HOPE, and honestly, when i started writing this, that is where i thought i would dwell today. HOWEVER, i am choosing to look at something a bit brighter. in fact i am focusing on my behavior over the past six days. i was asked to be a part of something last Saturday, and instead of jumping in and saying yes or no, i said i need to think about it, as i have some very GRAVE reservations about the person with whom i would be working, and how well we do or do not work together. so wj=hat did i do? well i called my sponse and did a quickie dump of my feelings and concerns with him. i then, just sat still and did not think about it, for a few days, and the next step came to me, speak to the person and let them know what was up with me. so i did that and spoke with them yesterday. the next step, talk to my sponse again, now that i have the information available that i need to make an informed decision. finally, after another chat with my sponsor allow myself time to finish tumbling this around. i know a long and drawn out process, and with most decisions i do not have this sort of time. i am however, fairly certain as to my answer, as it came to me in the working of Step 10 last night, but that has not been written in stone, and i will complete the process i started by seeking the input of an outside party before casting that decision in at least wood.
anyhow, as i am running a bit behind schedule, i NEED to hit the streets and get my endorphins as well as everything else flowing, so yes, i have defects of character that have the ability to start the acting-out process. it is up to me to live in the here and now, and choose to ask for the help of a HIGHER POWER, to keep from acting in that manner, just for today. when the time comes for my next FOURTH STEP i will be open to learn what i need to learn then. so off to the races i go.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

two days 222 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2004 by: donnot
∞ i have never died from a feeling ∞ 381 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2005 by: donnot
∞ it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves ∞ 335 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away ∞ 578 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by: donnot
… if i hurt from the pain of my defects, i can remind myself of … 483 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2008 by: donnot
∧ i may fear that being in touch with my feelings will trigger … 467 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2010 by: donnot
≤  THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY will care for me ≥ 479 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2011 by: donnot
♦ i no longer NEED to be afraid of my feelings ♦ 433 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2012 by: donnot
∗ if i hurt from the pain of my defects, ∗ 474 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2013 by: donnot
β  i can remind myself of the nightmare of addiction, β  739 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2014 by: donnot
∩ fearing my feelings ∪ 438 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2015 by: donnot
🌀 an overwhelming 🌀 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2016 by: donnot
🎲 denial protects 🎱 705 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2017 by: donnot
🤕 i am painfully 🤯 506 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2018 by: donnot
🙈 refusing to acknowledge 🙉 582 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2019 by: donnot
💤 the nightmare 💤 492 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 the 4TH step 🎭 362 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2021 by: donnot
🤐 i will  🤫 529 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2022 by: donnot
🌤 honesty 🌥 349 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2023 by: donnot
Spacer Image

☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

2) The soft overcomes the hard; and the weak the strong.