Blog entry for:

Sun, Sep 25, 2005 10:47:37 AM


∞ i have never died from a feeling ∞
posted: Sun, Sep 25, 2005 10:47:37 AM

 

though the reading today seems to be about the fourth step and the feelings associated with the internal discovery of character defects, for me it seems to address another more insidious issue -- namely the results of allowing or denying myself to feel my feelings.
it is true that writing my very first fourth step brought up all kinds of different feelings for me, but i was barely sixty days clean at that time, so was hardly capable of feeling much of anything except anxiety, rage and depression. if a feeling came up that could not be fit into one of those neat containers i suppressed it by acting-out, buying something or pigging out on food. not very healthy and certainly not a course of action i would recommend for anyone else, but i got through clean and moved beyond my fifth step.
today, i still use the same behaviors to suppress what i think are uncomfortable feelings. the fear of feeling something uncomfortable and indefinable forces me into the fight or flight response, that is hard-wired into my brain. and unfortunately it is the first fight by denial of the feelings existence and failing that it is flight into behaviors that allow me to feel something different, and finally if all else fails than i use. i have yet to fall back on that final solution and i have been coming to realize that i do not have to go through that process at all. when i am afraid of feeling i could of course speak to another addict and ask for their experience. strength and hope about what is going on. and that feeds the fear by bringing up all my old stuff about intimacy and vulnerability, so i cycle back to the behavioral alternatives.
there is good news however, i am more likely to reach-out for help today than ever before. the cycle has been short-circuited several times over the past year and i am getting better of facing and living through my feelings, regardless of their source.
today i can truly say that i have never died from feeling a feeling and if my experience is any indication, nor shall i ever. and that has implications that echo way beyond what i am writing about today!
:)) DT :))

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

two days 222 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2004 by: donnot
∞ it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves ∞ 335 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away ∞ 578 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by: donnot
… if i hurt from the pain of my defects, i can remind myself of … 483 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2008 by: donnot
ξ when i was using, all i felt was the drugs ξ 626 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2009 by: donnot
∧ i may fear that being in touch with my feelings will trigger … 467 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2010 by: donnot
≤  THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY will care for me ≥ 479 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2011 by: donnot
♦ i no longer NEED to be afraid of my feelings ♦ 433 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2012 by: donnot
∗ if i hurt from the pain of my defects, ∗ 474 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2013 by: donnot
β  i can remind myself of the nightmare of addiction, β  739 words ➥ Thursday, September 25, 2014 by: donnot
∩ fearing my feelings ∪ 438 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2015 by: donnot
🌀 an overwhelming 🌀 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2016 by: donnot
🎲 denial protects 🎱 705 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2017 by: donnot
🤕 i am painfully 🤯 506 words ➥ Tuesday, September 25, 2018 by: donnot
🙈 refusing to acknowledge 🙉 582 words ➥ Wednesday, September 25, 2019 by: donnot
💤 the nightmare 💤 492 words ➥ Friday, September 25, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 the 4TH step 🎭 362 words ➥ Saturday, September 25, 2021 by: donnot
🤐 i will  🤫 529 words ➥ Sunday, September 25, 2022 by: donnot
🌤 honesty 🌥 349 words ➥ Monday, September 25, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

2) All things under heaven sprang from It as existing (and named);
that existence sprang from It as non-existent (and not named).