Blog entry for:

living and enjoying life as it truly is. quite an interesting series of readings, especially since reality is not part of my plan today. seriously, it is difficult to think about reality when i am sitting outside at 7 AM, in the morning and not freezing my cojones off. which brings up a very old adage from my using days, “reality is for those who cannot handle drugs.”
more and more, i see the truth and the wisdom in that statement, at least in how it applies to me. i could more than likely COULD use just once and return to recovery, starting over, just for today. i have seen that done time and again. of course, since i only have just for today, then then whole chain, of just one more would be invoked and what would probably happen, is what i see most of the time, i would disappear from the rooms, ditch my friends and hide out in active addiction until something or someone, caused enough pain for me to stop and finally snapped me back to reality. it might be 30 days, but more than likely it would be lots of 30 days, and the consequences would more than likely be heinous. i mean i can even see myself sitting in county jail, waiting for my friends to bring in a meeting and hoping against all hope, that can light a spark under my using a$$.
that does not need to be my fate, and even if i do not ascribe to predestination and all its attendant side-effects, i know what a person like me becomes when he uses that very first time, a USING addict, in active addiction, with nothing to live for, save that very next sumthin', sumthin'
the alternative? well live a program of active recovery and move forward into the next moment. yes, i know that there are lots of others out there who can use every now and again, i am not one of those, and that is becoming a fortunate twist of fate. i have been given something more, because i am an addict. i have a way of life that allows me the FREEDOM to sit here, on vacation, musing about the what is i decided to use, and coming down on the side that for me, i think a better alternative would be to do this recovery gig instead. so where does that leave me? well certainly not in Kansas anymore! i have a clear path in front of me with the same choice i have made for many days in a row: stay clean, just for today or say fVck it and return to the half-life in the fog of active addiction. today i choose living clean and will do my best to make decisions that open up my horizons, rather than close them down. it is after all…

∞ DT ∞