Blog entry for:

the pain that living brings, one way or another. every now and again, when i read the reading i have a very defensive reaction. this morning was one of those days. it seemed to be saying by doing this recovery gig diligently, all my pain and misery would be eliminated and i would no longer need to seek out the ways and means to “change the way i feel.” i would no longer need to seek out something to replace the sense of escape that substances and risk taking used to provide. i could replace all of tat with action, willingness, FAITH and HOPE. because i do not walk around in a state of spiritual enlightenment and bliss, that “promise” has yet to be fulfilled. this whole attitude goes to what i stumbled across yesterday and a topic that has been gnawing at me for quite some time, where is the reward that i am ENTITLED to after doing this gig, day after day after day for nearly seventy-nine hundred days in a row?
there it is, plainly and simply, i have come to a place where i want more based on what i have received so far and my rising expectations are far from being met. what i DESIRE is FREEDOM from the pain of living. what i HAVE is FREEDOM from active addiction and a new manner of dealing with the pain of living. most of the time, that is more than enough, today however, that seems like a raw deal and the anger i felt at the end of my using dream that i did not use within, seems to taking hold, at least in the here and now.
in my dream, i could have asked, but i was waiting to be invited to partake, and my friend never invited me as he snorted his way through the big bag of stuff he had. i did not ask because i believed i was entitled to him inviting me and after all it would have been different if i was not in recovery. looking good, even in that silly dream was my main goal and not asking allowed me to feel superior to my peer in recovery, who was relapsing big time. not asking also took the onus off of me, as i could blame him for offering stuff to a known addict.
sitting here after putting all that down in bits and bytes, i see how absurd the whole thing is and that it is not reality that requires to altered today, but rather hat i can do about living in that reality and accepting what comes down the pike whether or not it is an event or a consequence i DESIRE. instead of whining about how empty my glass happens to be today, perhaps i need to shift my perception of having a glass of life to fill. instead of being pissed off because a friend did not offer the opportunity to use, maybe i need to see that dream as a harbinger of what may come, if i choose to judge those around me and use their actions, fantasies and questionable behaviors as the wedge to keep me away from here i need to be, the fellowship that is my home.

∞ DT ∞