Blog entry for:

go on whether or not i am using. the trick, at least for, is to remove the value judgement from my feelings, as well as the events of any given day. sitting with a sponsee yesterday, something he said, triggered a reaction in me, about one of my little pet peeves. what might that be? well the tendency for some people, in the rooms or not, to HAVE TO spin every event, past and present, into a positive experience. i cannot go into any of their motives, but when i was part of that club, i know that when i spun a disappointment or setback into something that was more palatable to my judgement system, i missed the opportunity to feel the frustration, anger and yes even sadness, that arise for me, when i fail. to me, it was not that much different than putting my hand in the medicine jar, as the song goes. moving further and further out of that paradigm, means that i get to learn how to live in the harsh reality of everyday life. sh!t happens and i do not believe that everything that happens is part of some sort of divine plan for me. nor do i believe in the old adage of “God works in mysterious ways.”
i have come to the conclusion, that most of the bad stuff, and yes that is a value judgement, i am not totally free from that system yet, is a result in me exercising self-will and denying the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. when i fail to succeed at something, calling it a FAILURE, helps me to learn the lesson i need to learn. maybe i lacked the capital resources, maybe i lacked the physical stamina, or maybe it was just something that i have yet learned to do. it really does not matter that much why i FAILED, what matters is how i learn to walk away form my FAILURES and take the lessons with me, including feeling frustrated, sad, angry or whatever, a feeling is just that a feeling, transitory and without any power save that i give power to it.
living life in that manner does not mean that i am immune to failure or even feelings that some may label as negative, it just means that i strive to be present for whatever is going on, and part of accepting myself as i am, is to acknowledge that i have FAILED at something, that does NOT make me a FAILURE or a LOSER! this is not an easy paradigm to follow is not for the faint of heart, but for me, it is the only way i can survive my feelings and move on. if i did anything else, i would not be able to ever try to be anything more than i am, being more than i am, is part of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, today. i am certain of that. is there some sort of road-map of that will? none that i have discovered, so this is where my FAITH, that i will be taken care of, comes in. yes the birds in the sky do not reap or sow, and yet they survive, but birds spend 90% of their waking time, chasing their sustenance, spending all my energy on getting enough to survive the cold night is being present for what is going on in my life. i am not a bird or a whole lot of other things, but today, i may fail at the next thing i attempt, but i will NOT label myself a FAILURE. today i am okay that i am not perfect, will never be perfect and that i NEED to earn the respect, and trust of those who are a part of my life. i am okay that what i want, may not match up with what i need, and the difference may cause me to have a little bit of a petulant frenzy, that too is part of who i am. today i walk in the FAITH, that if i pay attention, do my utmost to follow my heart and let go of the results, i will get precisely what i need.

∞ DT ∞