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just are not the way i wish they would be, that is just a FACT OF LIFE. i can moan,. wail and gnash my teeth about how **hard** i have it. i can rail about the amount of **brain damage,** a bout of self-will is causing me. OR, as suggested in the reading today, i can feel what i feel, accept that life is messy, and move on. that simple action frees me from having to carry the burden of imagined slights and allows me to look at my part in the situation. a case in point, i had a technical interview yesterday, that hit me in my weakest link. this was the different from the first few i hosed, but certainly could have been avoided, had i taken the time to realistically assess my skills and work towards enhancing those that need some shoring up. i “feel” disappointed and sad, BUT and yes it is a big one, i have a direction for my “training days” now: green-field development!
today, however, i am taking most of the day off and heading down to meet my sponse for lunch and some conversation. no matter how pressing my need top start getting some income generated, i also need to strengthen my relationship with him. i am terrible about building relationships, and this one has always been on the fringes of being a strong and abiding one. since the last time i met with, i have been taking a course of action he suggested: regular and consistent communication between us. i feel better for making that effort and am starting to appreciate that no matter what, i am not doing this gig on my own. it is not as if i am struggling to stay clean or losing tons of sleep over my current employment situation, it is just that i NEED a friend and sponsor who i can turn to and talk candidly to, about what i am feeling and how i am handling those feelings. in my haste to dismiss or minimize my feelings, i can often bury them under the guise of letting them go.
what am i feeling right now? disappointment at my performance yesterday. concern about why the job offers are not rolling in. confusion about the behavior some loved ones are exhibiting about taking care of themselves. and a bit of optimism that i am on the correct track and just need to persevere through my imagined adversity, life just is. so it is off to the streets to walk off some miles and get out of the house. i have my plan of the day set and it looks like it will unfold as i have planned it, at least in this slice of time. time to feel the burn, for one more day.

∞ DT ∞