Blog entry for:

was lifted from me completely, and i stayed clean because i wanted to live clean.
all sorts of interesting ideas rolling around inside of my noggin this morning. this one just happens to be ONE from the headlines” of the latest news.
i find it interesting how focused all the news is on the behavior Oscar Pistorius, how is sobs, wails of anguish and tears have been recorded and splashed all over the media. not that i am saying he is doing anything insincere or duplicitous, far from it, no i understand feeling remorseful when i had to face the consequences of a rash and impulsive act. what i think happened that night, is much closer to the prosecution's theory rather than that of the defense. i think he shot he her in a jealous rage, and when the smoke cleared. he actually did hold her in his arms until she died, and now he is trying to use privilege, money and fame to walk away from accepting any consequences for his “bad” behavior. i am more than certain, that had he been black or poor, he would have already been locked up for the rest of his life, but time will tell whether or not, justice in South Africa is similar to that in the United States, where one gets the best justice their money can buy.
yes, like Oscar, even when i know what i am doing has consequences that i do not want to pay, i continue to do it, because at that i time, i feel entitled, justified or it is my “God-given right as an American.” what recovery has taught me, is that i can continue to be a victim of my whims and impulses, OR i can learn a new way of living. that new way of living, or better put, the spiritual path that i am on, has given me the ability to spot impulsive behaviors when they first start, and decide responsibly, whether or not i WANT to face the range of possible consequences that may ensue. i am not subject to fits of jealous rage, but i do feel jealousy from time to time. what the program has given me, is a way of living that separates me enough from my feelings, that i need not react to them in the first heartbeat after feeling them. what the program has given me, is the means to take responsibility for all of my behaviors, good, bad or indifferent and honestly and realistically assess the consequences, before completing the act. as a result, the chances of me shooting the woman i love, four times through a closed bathroom door, are reduced to practically nil, i am no longer that spoiled, self-centered brat that walked into the rooms, who was quite capable of blaming you, for how i was acting-out. i have learned to step out of my victim-hood, and continue towards the place of freedom that accepting responsibility for my life and actions, gives me. and i relish that freedom, as it springs from the only promise my fellowship makes, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION!
with freedom comes responsibility, and as i am not a beneficiary of any entitlement programs, it is time for me to shower off, scrape the hairs off my face and drive over to work. and yes, i can feel what i feel, behave in the manner i choose to behave, and accept that the consequences, good or bad, are not unpredictable, it is AFTER ALL, A GREAT DAY TO BE CLEAN.

∞ DT ∞