๐ less than ๐
Posted: Tue, Apr 9, 2024 07:55:39 AM
an overwhelming desire to stop using or stay clean for any length of time, certainly describes me to a **T,** at least for the first eighteen months of my recovery journey. life in my skin, in those heinous days of mere abstinence was shall i say, more than a bit of hell on Earth. all i wanted was relief from the consequences of active addiction and all i got was bone-crunching jones and the desire to alter how i felt, twenty-four/seven. when i finally stopped fighting and surrendered to the fact that i was an addict and required something more, i certainly found that i could do more than just survive my addiction. here i sit, a long minute later and the gift i “got” was the ability to thrive, rather than merely survive.
the reading however, was all about “acting out” and to this day, i still have the desire to change how i am feeling using the plethora of less than stellar behaviors i have developed over the course of my life. most of the time, what i am trying to get out of, is a bit of paralyzing FEAR. even though i may have found a path to self-respect and acceptance, it does not mean i stay true to that direction. i am more than apt to wander off and take a detour or shortcut and as a result, find myself in untenable positions. of course it then becomes a matter of saving face, and diverting others from the truth is my first defense, after all if no one notices, i may actually get away with something. learning to forgive myself for what i was and have a bit of empathy for my using niece, is now a daily task. the mess my Mom left behind is resolving and the final pieces are falling into place. there are certainly a few roadblocks in the way and i accept that there may come a minute where i have to enforce the final solution upon someone who has yet to get their life together. some deadlines are written in stone these days and as they approach, i will have to find the ways and means to enforce them with gentle firmness. so it goes…
anyhow, work does beckon me and i have a project that i got my first clue about how to solve yesterday afternoon. a bit of coffee and a bit of doom-scrolling will get me over the hump and into head's down development. i want to be an asset today, just for today and acting out will not lead me down that path. it is time to make the donuts.
the reading however, was all about “acting out” and to this day, i still have the desire to change how i am feeling using the plethora of less than stellar behaviors i have developed over the course of my life. most of the time, what i am trying to get out of, is a bit of paralyzing FEAR. even though i may have found a path to self-respect and acceptance, it does not mean i stay true to that direction. i am more than apt to wander off and take a detour or shortcut and as a result, find myself in untenable positions. of course it then becomes a matter of saving face, and diverting others from the truth is my first defense, after all if no one notices, i may actually get away with something. learning to forgive myself for what i was and have a bit of empathy for my using niece, is now a daily task. the mess my Mom left behind is resolving and the final pieces are falling into place. there are certainly a few roadblocks in the way and i accept that there may come a minute where i have to enforce the final solution upon someone who has yet to get their life together. some deadlines are written in stone these days and as they approach, i will have to find the ways and means to enforce them with gentle firmness. so it goes…
anyhow, work does beckon me and i have a project that i got my first clue about how to solve yesterday afternoon. a bit of coffee and a bit of doom-scrolling will get me over the hump and into head's down development. i want to be an asset today, just for today and acting out will not lead me down that path. it is time to make the donuts.
∞ DT ∞