Blog entry for:

sooner or later, the compulsion to use was lifted from me completely, and that applies to other negative impulses that plague me. so i have never dies from a feeling and feelings just are and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
not that those statements are not true, and not that i do not need to hear them, it is just some days i need to escape from the clichés and bumper stickers and venture off into whatever direction my mind takes me. the first place my mind went was to my anonymous responder the other day. no not who she or he may be, but rather how i felt when i discovered that particular post. the first feeling was indignation, " now dare they say such things? who the f*ck do they think they are?"
anger sprang from that particular feeling, the resentment and a desire to lash out with a vengeance. and then a miracle happened. just as i was about to retaliate against who i suspected being the heinous culprit, i realized that i had already given an anonymous person, freely posting on an open blog far more power than they deserved, and i stopped dead in my tracks and waited for my spiritual program to catch-up with my emotional state.
so what was that post that drove me to such distraction and allowed me a full range of feelings? well here it is in all of its glory:

your future in service is...
partly tied to your need to be important. Sorry for the brutal honesty
but that is part of the program.
If I were your sponsor, which I am not,
an assignment for you would be that you could take no service position "higher" than GSR.
At that level you could really be of service and
not let your disease get the best of you.

so as i stopped and finally saw how ridiculous my behavior was, my feelings changed from what some consider negative feelings, to more positive ones. the caveat i issue here is that i do not put a positive or negative value judgment on feelings. yes anger, resentment and fear can allow me to believe that i can act out in response, but they are after all just feelings and they will pass. so anyhow after i stopped and took a breath, my feelings became first introspection, then calmness and finally certainty that i did know what i needed to do, and it was not to pound someone into the ground or to start some sort of spiritual war with battles, maneuvers, attacks and exit strategies. no it was to take what i was being told, file with all the other suggestions i have been given over time, and allow it to find its proper place within that collection.
well this morning i am in a place where i am quite content with myself and the world around me, i am certain that the actions i need to take today will be revealed as the day continues, so it is time to go walk my dog, take a bit more quiet time and see if i can accomplish what is in front of me today. it is a good day to recover, and i do not feel like acting-out, at least right now, but time will tell.

∞ DT ∞