Blog entry for:

that came from using, but i did not want to stop getting high. well a year ago what i thought about was a very high profile murder case on the South Africa. this morning, here i sit with another high profile murder case on my mind, this time form South Carolina, and this one a whole lot more cut and dry. that cop shot a guy in the back eight times, while he was running away, and would have gotten away with it, save some bystander caught the whole thing on a cell phone video. as more and more of these cases come to light, as they have over the past year, is it any wonder that i begin to see the cops as s force that is not to be trusted and feel very little sympathy from all the “law enforcement” mouthpieces, unions and lobbying organizations, whining about the “scrutiny” their members are under and how public perception of their members is going from bad to worse. their solution? shoot the messenger, make filming of any law enforcement officer in the course of their duties a crime and cover up, obfuscate and generally hide any bit of potential wrong-doing, after all, their poor membership is just doing the jobs they were hired to do.
hos is it that i recognize that sort of behavior? it comes from close intimate contact as the perpetrator of: do sh!t then hide, obfuscate and generally do anything not to be held accountable for my actions, it was my mantra and my main means of survival back in the days of active addiction, and the echoes of that behavior are still present today. just like those cops, i want to do something bad and walk away from it without consequences, the parallel however ends there, i do not pay dues to some organization that helps to facilitate the cover-up. no unfortunately for me, the organization, which just happens to be the fellowship that has given me this new of living, encourages just the opposite, own my actions and take the responsibility for the consequences they bring, dang it all! one of the gifts i have been given in recovery is a conscience. while i never shot anyone in the back, literally, more than once figuratively i have. in fact, time and again, it was one of my main methods of operation, wound someone deep enough with the weapons at hand,m so that i could feel better, look better and hence BE BETTER! ah the amends i have had to make for that set of behaviors, and yet, as the need and the opportunity arises i find myself once again on the brink of doing that same old sh!t, hoping not to get caught, as i do not want to face the consequences of that behavior.
and so it goes. can't do the time? don't do the crime. has become my newest mantra and one that rings in my head, when i catch myself on the precipice of a decision to behave in a less than stellar manner or in a situation where a quick little lie will allow me to save some face. today, well, today i am working from home, even though the reason i originally stated has been altered and is no longer valid. today? well today i may meet with a sponsee a little bit later, but i do know that today, i will do my work for the full time that they are paying me for, and do it to the best of my ability and be grateful that when the mood strikes , i can work from the comfort of my own home. best of all, i can walk through today, and CHOOSE not to have any consequences for the actions i take, that i am not ready to face, just by doing the next right thing, which right here and right now is a shower.

∞ DT ∞