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without my character defects. certainly an interesting, but undoubtedly unrealistic exercise. i know there is always HOPE, but at time, HOPE feels like pipe dreams. namely the smoke and mirrors of spinning everything in a positive manner, as i am apt to do, from time to time, to counter the cynic within. that struggle at times, feels like an epic battle royale between the forces of good and evil, and in my own i often view that way. walking the line between the total denial of who i am today and the utter desperation of who i am not, is difficult and lies in the way i interpret the events of the world around me.
yes i want to be better, free from my character defects and the shortcomings that arise as a result of them, but no i do not want to be some saintlike figure walking six inches above the ground waiting for my beatification, or do i? pondering on the reading, i see this duality of mind, that exists and wonder how i can move beyond the wasted effort of the struggle between those two sides.
the answer of course, is in the steps. nowhere does it say that i can remove my shortcomings or fix my character defects. in fact i become ready to have ALL of my character defects removed and HUMBLY ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove my shortcomings. after i reach a state of mind, the ACTION is to humble ask. not to catalog, describe, wallow in, wail about or consciously seek the path to sainthood. i forget, that not only is the battle of how i see myself, unimportant, even if Pollyanna wins, there is very little i can do, save: surrender, pause and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to perform ITs task. in fact the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be, is through surrender and not through conscious action or affirmations about how much better i can be.
when i take the time to pause and put it into that light, i see i can become the man i want to be, and that man, will not be a saint and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
the real truth, is that i am more than likely not entirely ready to have ALL my character defects removed, as there are still parts of them, that provide a pay-off i desire. i am not going to spin that statement, by saying the POWER that fuels my recovery, has transformed my character defects into assets, or that i am afraid of who i will become, if i allow the process to happen. no the consequences that i receive when i act on one or more of my remaining character defects are within my tolerance or evenly still highly valued by me. as long as the price i pay is less than i am willing to pay, the seemingly immutable laws of supply and demand, seem to be at work here, which in some ways still sucks.
this may be quite a fruitful exercise this morning, but i do need to get on over to work. i will end this little exercise by sayiong, part of my journey to becoming the man i envision myself to be, is learning that no matter how hard i try, real personality change comes from surrender and application of these spiritual principles in my life. i need to let go of outcomes. i need to learn to sort desires from needs and i need to surrender, perhaps more than once to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, in order to become the whole, genuine and self-aware person i have seen my self being., just for today.

∞ DT ∞