Blog entry for:

...free of my defects? quite the concept this early friday morning. the only problem is that i am so oblivious to the vision of my Higher Power, that i often find running in self-will an attractive alternative, which is always acting-out on a character defect or three.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
how am i to get any better when i choose not to listen and see??
well the fact is, i have gotten better, despite myself. and i have had more than one or two character defects removed, despite the fact that i have resisted. and i do have a choice, well actually more than one, to act-out on any of my character defects. so what exactly is my problem? well, i believe the reading hits the nail on the head for me! i am afraid of who i will be, despite all the evidence to the contrary. i do have proof that letting go, and living according to a plan beyond my ken, does improve my life. and that evidence has been piling-up more than ever in recent weeks.
so what exactly am i afraid of? well probably i do not want to be seen as some sort of wuss if i become more spiritual. i am still fighting the culture that permeates my entire life about what a man should be and should do. surrender and spiritual growth runs counter to the message i get everyday from the media and what i taught when i was growing up. so the fear is that as i change to adapt to my Higher Power‘s vision for me, i will be less acceptable to society in general. and acceptability has always been one of my driving motives -- you know it is not how you feel it is HOW YOU LOOK! even when i was a staunch anti-materialistic non-conformist freak, it was still all about appearances to me. and i guess it still is! well off to the showers and one more chance to live according to a different vision!

∞ DT ∞