Blog entry for:

WANT to recover. to tell the truth, i am absolutely awful at figuring out who does and does not want to recover. sure there are signs, willingness to go to meetings and reach out to members; doing their level best to stay clean and of course making their lives fit into recovery. the catch is, that even though they may demonstrate all the signs, i have still seen more than one of my peers go out over and over and over again. there is always an excuse or three, but the results are the same, either they start the revolving door of in and out, or they just disappear. it is what it is, and as i stay clean and learn how to better fit my life into recovery, i come to accept that sad fact. there are times when i feel like the NSA and think if only i watched them closed, delved deeper into their lives, stalking them electronically that perhaps i could see the need in the pile needles that indicates that they are willing all they need is a little bit of something only i can give them. the sad part of that notion is, that just as the NSA cannot stop anything with domestic surveillance regardless of what their shills may say, i as well am powerless at delving into the intent of someone else.
what am i to do? i could just throw my hands into the air, gnash my teeth and wail that i am so fVcking powerless that there is nothing i can do, OR as i choose to do today, i can give of myself, when i am asked and leave the results to the POWERs that be.
one of them i sponsor, asked me about my effort to carry the message the other day. when i went through what i would be doing this week, he acted impressed by the level of commitment i demonstrate to carrying the message of recovery to the still suffering addict. i accepted that compliment with a bit of humility and said it is what i have discovered i need to do, to stay clean. i have been doing this enough days in a row, that i am getting better at determining what i can give and what i cannot. today? well today i can give freely of my time and be present at the next meeting, the next time a peer asks me a question and for those in my life who may just want me to be a part of their lives. it is a great day to carry a message and perhaps, i can actually let go of the results.

∞ DT ∞