Some memes

can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. this was one of the seeds that were planted when i was merely abstinent, cross-fellowshipping and planning my return to **the life,** way back when. the lack of any ambivalence or loopholes ended up attracting to a single program of recovery, once i was finally ready to learn a new manner in which to live. no one told me that if i was “constitutionally incapable” of being honest with myself, i was automatically exempt from recovery. when my wall of denial came crashing down around me and i left my fortress of solitude, i found that not a single one of my peers had counted me out, even though i was merely fronting the desire to stay clean. over the course of my recovery, more than once, i had to remind myself of those days and when confronted with a peer who just could not seem to “get it,” remember that i am as powerless over another''s recovery and cannot possibly “know” what it is the need to make the choice i make on a daily basis.
it is true that i have met more than a few who seem to be unwilling to be honest with themselves, after all lying liars lie, especially to themselves. three times in the past, the latest being this week, i have told someone that i was unwilling to sponsor them, again, but would continue to support them as a peer. that is not a decision i take lightly and all of those men had “fired” me through their own behaviors long before they formalized their relapses with the ingestion of a substance. each of them came back to ask me to sponsor them, when they already were dealing with consequences of their decision-making processes. and at least two out of three of them tried to game me into saying yes through guilt, manipulation and shame, pounding me with the very words by which i set my course in life. i listened to what they said, considered my course of actions and have yet to allow myself to be gamed into building a one-way street relationship, once again. i am waiting for the third shoe to drop. the fact of the matter is, for my sanity and spiritual well-being, there comes a time when i have to say enough, and show others that i will not be taken for granted.
this morning, after sleeping in accidentally on purpose, i am sure, i feel that i can allow others to find what they need to stop using and uncover the path they need to follow to change the direction of their lives. for me, it has been a Twelve Step fellowship that stands on its own, out of the shadow of the “grand-daddy” of them all. i know what i am -- an addict. i know where i would be without recovery -- in jail, an institution, dead or homeless and derelict. i am grateful that the seed that was once planted in my brain, still remains and echos down through all those days, that just for today, i do not have to use, even if i want to.

∞ DT ∞