๐ฌ motives ๐ฌ
Posted: Sat, Dec 5, 2020 09:55:18 AM
and desires are something i am not good at judging, my own or those of another. i was once accused of choosing who recovered in our local fellowship, by a peer who struggled with addiction and had developed quite a system of finding the ways and means to use **successfully.** i was pissed off at their audacity, after all, who the fVck were they to judge my motives and desires. looking back from the vantage of a few days clean, i can see that although they may have been wrong about the literal arrow they shot in my direction, figuratively speaking, i did have a built in bias against those i “judged” to be beyond my help. as i walk through these weird times in the real world as well as in the recovery world, i see that what i can see of one of my peer's desires and motives have become a whole lot less clear.
across the course of my recovery, there certainly have been more than one peer, whom i could not help, for one reason or another. there have also been more than one “retread” that i felt i could not trust. in fact, those who have been “around” the program and speak about how this time will be “different.” are the ones i am the most biased against. what i find myself doing, is not saying what i am thinking and doing my best to keep my opinions from influencing how i interact with them, as the do deserve the chance to “make it” this time. i do have to admit, that more than one time, my “gut feeling” has been correct, but there have been just as many, if not more misses.
i certainly do KNOW, that when i arrived in the rooms, my desire was not to be a member of a recovery fellowship, my intent was to stay clean for one day longer than i took me to get out of the justice system and i wanted to “look” like the model of a recovering addict. coming from that sort of history, it is no wonder i cast a wary eye towards those who “keep coming back.” projecting my history and lack of spiritual principles upon them, is my greatest shortcoming these days and one that i have to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to remove. i am better than that today and just for today, i will walk a path that allows me the freedom to suspend my judgement about the motives and desires of my peers.
across the course of my recovery, there certainly have been more than one peer, whom i could not help, for one reason or another. there have also been more than one “retread” that i felt i could not trust. in fact, those who have been “around” the program and speak about how this time will be “different.” are the ones i am the most biased against. what i find myself doing, is not saying what i am thinking and doing my best to keep my opinions from influencing how i interact with them, as the do deserve the chance to “make it” this time. i do have to admit, that more than one time, my “gut feeling” has been correct, but there have been just as many, if not more misses.
i certainly do KNOW, that when i arrived in the rooms, my desire was not to be a member of a recovery fellowship, my intent was to stay clean for one day longer than i took me to get out of the justice system and i wanted to “look” like the model of a recovering addict. coming from that sort of history, it is no wonder i cast a wary eye towards those who “keep coming back.” projecting my history and lack of spiritual principles upon them, is my greatest shortcoming these days and one that i have to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to remove. i am better than that today and just for today, i will walk a path that allows me the freedom to suspend my judgement about the motives and desires of my peers.
∞ DT ∞