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and desires are something i am not good at judging, my own or those of another. i was once accused of choosing who recovered in our local fellowship, by a peer who struggled with addiction and had developed quite a system of finding the ways and means to use **successfully.** i was pissed off at their audacity, after all, who the fVck were they to judge my motives and desires. looking back from the vantage of a few days clean, i can see that although they may have been wrong about the literal arrow they shot in my direction, figuratively speaking, i did have a built in bias against those i “judged” to be beyond my help. as i walk through these weird times in the real world as well as in the recovery world, i see that what i can see of one of my peer's desires and motives have become a whole lot less clear.
across the course of my recovery, there certainly have been more than one peer, whom i could not help, for one reason or another. there have also been more than one “retread” that i felt i could not trust. in fact, those who have been “around” the program and speak about how this time will be “different.” are the ones i am the most biased against. what i find myself doing, is not saying what i am thinking and doing my best to keep my opinions from influencing how i interact with them, as the do deserve the chance to “make it” this time. i do have to admit, that more than one time, my “gut feeling” has been correct, but there have been just as many, if not more misses.
i certainly do KNOW, that when i arrived in the rooms, my desire was not to be a member of a recovery fellowship, my intent was to stay clean for one day longer than i took me to get out of the justice system and i wanted to “look” like the model of a recovering addict. coming from that sort of history, it is no wonder i cast a wary eye towards those who “keep coming back.” projecting my history and lack of spiritual principles upon them, is my greatest shortcoming these days and one that i have to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to remove. i am better than that today and just for today, i will walk a path that allows me the freedom to suspend my judgement about the motives and desires of my peers.

∞ DT ∞