Some memes

to learn and grow was not something i could measure back in the day. hell i believed i was already a fully grown-ass man and there was nothing more i needed to learn, especially in a Twleve Step cult. back in those days, one learned quickly how to speak the language and what was allowed in the rooms and what was not. i am certain more than a few addicts found that hardline recovery, not to their liking and never heard the encouragement that it was wrapped around. i am also quite certain that i needed that hardcore approach and i am not sure whether the fellowship as it is today, would have been enough to encourage me to learn and grow, as i would be attacking everything at its apparent soft seams. i was always looking for a loophole and these days, i would probably stay in another fellowship that deals with a “disease” that is substance specific, so i could use something to get high. after all our literature says the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop …
moving into the here and now, i know that i am far from the grown-ass man that my body says i am. i may have some clean time and yet i am still a child when it comes to who i am and what i will do with the rest of my life. this round of steps is bringing that more and more into sharper focus. even if my intent is to learn that i am worth being respected and esteemed by me, myself and i. as i write on my FOURTH STEP i am seeing that i still have the echoes of the lie, living in my head. the result of that quiet sound, is that if i am still broken than i deserve to be beaten up, if i do not perform up to my own expectations in any manner. what it really is all about is far more insidious, it is all about me seeing that no matter how many steps i work how many days clean i may accumulate, i will always be unable to meet my expectations, so why even try, i might as well enjoy the rest of my life in a chemical haze. and there it is, the part of me i call addiction, takes over. that surrender will not be clean nor without consequence and just for today, i choose to to use the encouragement of my peers, to continue to pound away at my step writing and daily program of recovery,

∞ DT ∞