Blog entry for:

today that i would want to do again?
certainly a valid question even if i was not a firm believer and practitioner of the daily inventory process. as one can see about how and what i write, i am without a doubt a cynic. many would cats such a world view as “negative,” and that is of course their right. me, i just see it as it is, part of me and i can run and hide from it, pretending it does not exists and puke a few rainbows and fart a bunch of daisies and be well along my merry way. i, who has spent decades hiding who i was to gain the approval of those around me, have finally become comfortable enough in my own skin, to live as i am. i accept that i will always look for the flaw in everything and expect others to disappoint on at least some level. i have come to see that is not a symptom of being broken, it is just part of who i am.
with that all working in the background, it is especially important that i target looking at the acts, thoughts and behaviors that my peers see as “positive” and see if i want to repeat them again in my future. i need to make an effort to rise above my cynical self and see my life as part of the whole that surrounds me.when i sit in a meeting wondering if there is a better one out there and judging the snot out of all who are sharing, perhaps it is not the meeting that i attend that needs to change. quite honestly i am sick to death of the treatment bus coming in and sharing about something they know very little about and then offering advice in the form of “you should.” i mean seriously, being “around” the program is a far cry form actually recovering; sticking a needle in your arm and injecting water is a relapse; and we are not “sober” here, we are clean.
when i sat last night and went over my day, i realized it was not them that was the problem, it was me\\ and something needs to change. sitting in silence, sulking about the trivial bullsh!t that is being spouted, does very little to correct the problem. what those newcomers have to offer me, is how they stay clean, even though they are on vacation locked up in a residential treatment program. all they can offer is the horrors of active addiction and the struggles of early recover and certainly no practical knowledge about how this recovery gig works. it is i, who has the responsibility to share my vision of recovery and teach them what they think they already know. what came to me last night, is that i am being pissy and sulky because i am angry at myself for shirking my responsibility of carrying the message to the still suffering addict, that one can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.
does that means that tonight i will be a fountain of recovery, spewing my collected days of wisdom all over those in attendance? maybe❗
does that mean i might be a bit softer and understanding when the treatment bus pulls into the lot? maybe❗
does that mean i may try something new and actually give of myself, in the form of sharing on a more regular basis? maybe❗
what oi see this morning, is that my bad attitude is what needs to be changed and that is certainly something i have a bot of power over. i can dwell in the house of cynicism or take that seed and see what i can to disprove my misgivings about life, the universe and everything. if i approach it as a project and one whose outcome is far from predetermined, i may be able to return to the fold and be a person who can sit in a meeting full of treatment clients and offer them something more than my crossed arms, the look of disapproval on my face and my sullen silence. yes, i may be able to rise out of my cesspool and see a few rainbows and unicorns over the next week. so when i sit down and look at my day, i just may find the irritability and discontent i am feeling, has been reduced and replaced with just a smidgen of HOPE and GRATITUDE, just for today.

∞ DT ∞