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well i here i sit a year later thinking once again about my daily inventory. it is true that i have done a formal tenth step and have an inventory formula that i follow on a very regular basis. in fact many of the suggested questions in today‘s reading are part of that inventory, so what is my beef?
a very good question! part of what is going through my head was something that was shared at the meeting i attended last night. there was an addict who is unwilling to share his fourth step inventory sharing about how helpful it was for him to do a tenth step inventory every day. this guy has some time, but has never been willing to move beyond writing a fourth step and yet he talks like he has six more steps behind him. what is bugging me, is am i just posing too? his sharing began a dialogue inside of me that started asking whether my recovery is real or just a sham, a front i put-up for my friends, family and peers? have i really accepted in my heart of hearts that i am an addict and my life is unmanageable because of the disease of addiction? am i really coming to believe that i can be restored to sanity? do i actually turn my will and my life over into the care of a POWER GREATER THAN ME? and most of all am i doing everything i can, to the best of my current ability to nurture my ongoing recovery? in other words, the mental masturbation is once again off and running! i can sit here and mind-fuck myself all i want to, or i can use my mind to look at the evidence and see what it reveals, good, bad or indifferent! so here goes.....
the last time i intentionally harmed someone was quite some time ago. the last time i judged the quality of another addict‘s recovery was yesterday. the last time i intentionally injured myself was this month by neglecting my physical health. the last time i spoke to another addict was ten hours ago. the last time i believed that i was unworthy of recovery was thirty minutes ago. the last time i wrote a daily inventory was last night. the last time i prayed was ninety minutes ago. the last time i meditated was seventy-five minutes ago. the last time i helped another addict through some of his issues was last night. the last time i did something for someone else without expectation of return was fifteen hours ago. the last i grew concerned about someone i had not heard from lately was yesterday. the last time i told someone that i loved them was ten hours ago. so it does look like i am doing what i need to do to maintain my spiritual condition and perhaps the whole fear, uncertainty and doubt gig i was feeling was just the part of me i call my disease reminding me that it is still there, waiting patiently for me to stumble. after all that part of me wants me dead but will settle for me getting loaded.
my conclusions? right now, right here i am firmly entrenched in my recovery and can move forward with the confidence that i can stay clean today.

so long and thanks for all the fish!

∞ DT ∞