Blog entry for:

an active listener, instead of sharing to hear the sound of my own voice. as i struggle this morning to come up with a reason to work from home, i realize that i could do so and not have to say anything at all. there really is nothing i NEED to be in the office for and would rather not spend an hour or more of my day, heading to and from work, in fact after a minute or two of FaceBook time, i have decided to do the W(ork) F(rom) H(ome) gig today.
what does that have to do with keeping my pie hole closed and listening to what is being said, not a whole lot, and i could add a “BUT” here, instead i will leave it as it is, a bit of a diversion from doing what i set out to do. the truth of the matter is, i am not the best listener in the world and start forming my rebuttal to whatever it is one is saying, right when the first words start coming out of their mouth. that being said, one thing i am always sincere about is shouting out clean date anniversaries to those who i have developed more than just an acquaintance with:

Linda
Fourteen years (ex-eye-vee) clean.
Congrats my friend, i am so glad you found us.

and so it goes, once more, under the gun, so to speak. i really do beat myself up for participating in behaviors that really no longer work for me. preparing an argument to everything that is being said, is one of those behaviors that appears quite often on my daily inventory, and yet, i still do it. even though i cannot at this very second figure out what the pay-off is for me, there certainly must be one. when one of my peers tells me that they have eight months clean but are still using a certain substance as “medicine,” i have to wonder if i could get away with that sort of subterfuge. i did hear what he was saying and what it boils down to is:“at least i do not have a needle in my arm full of…” yes, i could have offered up quite an argument for that, but based on my question, i am quite certain, that addict would not be in the mood for listening to my opinion on whether or not they were clean. i did wonder what my sponse would say, if i presented an argument that in order not to use this or that i have to use a little bit of a legal substance every day, for my “anxiety.” just for today, i need not go there and yes active listening paid off last night, for me anyhow, because it gave me insight into my biases and prejudices and part of my inventory exercise last night was the litany about what would determine that line between using and medicine. i can say with confidence, the bar for me, with respect to the substance at hand, would be quite high, starting at where the fVck am i buying it?
this morning as i finish this up and get my other computers fired up and ready for me to do some productive work, i have to believe that my bosses are not listening to what is going on. be that as it may, this morning i am dedicated to giving them what they expect and being present for my remaining team members. i can also say with full conviction that i am seeking a way out of this “help desk” gig and when i get an offer, whether oi can refuse it or not, i will be taking the plunge. just have to remember that i am not despearate and do not have to settle for anything that does not “feel” good to me.

∞ DT ∞