Some memes

THE THIRD STEP decision, what exactly does that mean for me today? this is certainly one of the many places i stumble through in my daily program of recovery. acceptance of anything does not seem to be inherently, part of my nature. i resist and hold on to what i think, until it is very evident that maybe, just maybe, holding on is more painful than accepting. yes i have to run a spiritual cost-benefit ration analysis, before i start to become willing to let go of anything. whether this is just human nature, single-mindedness, or self-will, does not really matter. what matters is that is the how i have always done things, and the pace of learning in this emotional and spiritual space, seems glacial at best. the irony of this reading today, of all days, is that a peer has asked me for some time, to look at my application of STEP THREE in my life.
the pat and simple answer is, i work STEP THREE every day, surrendering all of my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. straight down the party line, no deviation, nothing to indicate that even though i do work a 3RD STEP every day, i hardly do so perfectly. my problem is i have this notion that i may be more of the sum of all my past experiences, BUT, that past would be better served to be written off as “fake news.” truthfully i could almost get away with it, as most of those with whom i share me recovery locally, did not see when i got here, so just like some politicians, a quick edit and my less than savory bits get to be dissappeared into the bit-bucket, lost for all time and creating a state of perfect deniability. no direct evidence, the act never occurred. even if a video of my bad behavior does surface, i can always dismiss it as “locker room” talk and walk away.
well as nice as that all seems and how well it seems to work for more than a few in the public spotlight, for me it is awfully familiar behavior and not part of the solution i desire for living today. the truth is, the cost-benefit ratio of looking good, tends to fall on it costs me more to look good than to be “good.” taking what i have done as in the past as my guide for living in today and setting my course for the future, so the question then becomes is this really my “vision of GOD's will for me?”
yes when i start getting into the “wills” bucket, things certainly get murky, mixed up and obfuscated under a pile of spiritual camouflage. where i have to go, to sort the wheat from the chaff as it were, is: am i planning an outcome? as wonderful as it may sound, it often takes a whole lot stubborn willfulness to get to even thinking about asking that question. more and more i am seeing how powerless i act when it comes to sorting out the whole mess of wills, GOD's, self and true. this behavior is part of the pattern of dismissing those less than savory bits of my past and hiding them under the bushel of: “well i am after all, just an addict, what did you really expect?” ah, but where the fVck is the HOPE? for me, the HOPE lies in the fact that once was, no longer needs to be. each day i CHOOSE to be clean and not manufacture my pain: physical, emotional or spiritual, to justify my need to so something, DAMMIT! today i am clean by choice, writing this, because i choose to and not editing what i have written in the past, because as impermanent as they medium may be, i want a history of where i have been.
yes i am more than the sum of my past, good, bad and indifferent, i am an addict who chooses a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞