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into the mainstream of life. it is true, i have always favored being alone, to being in a crowd. the only cure for my social anxiety was a liberal dose of this or that, just to take the edge off. the longer i stay clean, the more i see that my FEAR of social situations cannot be cured by running away and hiding from the world around me. denying that FEAR or calling it something else does little to address the real issue, social situations and other people, have always scared the living crap out of me. this point was driven home, by listening to a peer whine about an issue they were having in their life. in the long run, they sent someone else in to front for them, and what i realized is that they used the excuse of what “might” happen, to avoid any confrontation whatsoever and this is as ingrained in their was of doing things, just as my social anxiety is ingrained in mine. using others to illustrate my issues is far from spiritual, however i see their acts of cowardice as analogues to my own.
my Jedi mind trick, after many years of polish, is to pretend to be aloof and indifferent to needing the attention and company of others. i have it down to a fine art, and it works for me, to this day. oh i make all sorts of excuses and can bury what is actually happening under a huge steaming pile of spiritual camouflage, that does not however, change the fact that i am afraid and it is an act of courage to step out of my house everyday. okay, a bit of hyperbole there, i guess, now that i look at it, that shrink was not too far off the mark twenty years ago and maybe i do have panic disorder. hey, cool, another way to hide in my house and not face my fear and best of all, the means to hide the fact that in this respect i am a coward.
there have been times in my recovery, when acting as-if i was comfortable in crowds seems to be the next right thing to do. ironically it was, as it allow me to walk into a room of my peers and not worry about who knows what about me, and how they are certainly going to use it against me in the court of public opinion. as one can see, it is always all about me. that, too, is a dodge, a lie i tell myself, to keep myself out of the main stream of life. what this last set of steps has taught me, is that i do not need to be defined by what i do for a living, how i serve the fellowship or what culture seems to say i need to be. being a part of something greater than myself, and most importantly allowing myself to interact with those around me, keeps me on the path of becoming more whole and genuine. i may not be the bravest kid on the block today, but at least, just for right now, i am willing to face my fear and head on out to the office. it is a good day to be better than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞