Blog entry for:

of living in fear, anger, and mistrust, coming to believe that those with whom i share my recovery, are actually on my side, has been a tough idea to wrap my head around. quite honestly, i really do need to be painting, BUT just for right now, i feel the need to pound out my daily mind dump and speak my truth.
in my home group, i shared i got caught doing the “next right thing,” twice in the past twenty-four hours. the ironic part of it all, is one was based in pure self-interest and the other was based in being a responsible pet owner. neither of those acts were done because i pondered about how it would make me look and i was mostly embarrassed about being called-out for doing stuff that i just did, as if i made a conscious choice based on some inherent “goodness,” inside. i often rail about how seeing others act in apparently selfish, self-seeking and self-entitled modes trigger an emotional response in me, anger and envy are the two most prevalent ones, that make me consider my actions and behaviors in the context of the world around me.
living this recovery gig, i have come to the conclusion that anger and envy, at least for me, are based in the fear that i will not get my “share.” i may have already had more than my share of substances, but there is a part of me that sometimes think that if this is as good as it is going to get, namely being embarrassed for doing what i really need to do, than what exactly is the point. why is it that i struggle to appear to be a “bad-ass” when i have never been one? when i trip away the patina of rationalizations and justifications about what i DESIRE to look like and how i am actually seen, i actually feel a whole lot better and yes i know “better” is not a feeling. yes i feel calm, tolerant, serene and yes content with my life such as it is. as i move forward in actually starting to write my FOURTH STEP, which is not happening today, maybe i can see what my “true” fear is. maybe, i can use this program of recovery to do more than stay in the sorry state of being that i often find myself in. maybe i can forgive myself for the years i wasted in active addiction and half-baked recovery and be okay with showing the woprld who i might possible be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞