โ after years of isolation, trying to find a place for myself is not always easy. โ
Posted: Fri, Nov 16, 2007 08:32:33 AM
the overwhelming feelings that often arise in early recovery -- feelings of fear, anger, and mistrust -- can also keep me isolated.
those feelings can still resurface today, even after some time clean. yes, i know better, that there is a place ion this fellowship for, and yes i realize that there is hope that i can recover and make it through today without having to use. and yes i even realize that all i have found here is acceptance and love, regardless of what transpires on a day to day basis. and yet…
…so what up? well some days i feel like i am so unique, that no one will ever ‘get’ me. i isolate myself from those who may see something i wish not to reveal, believing that if anyone found out what was really going on in my head, i would be sure to suffer scorn and humiliation, as silly as that sounds to me, right now, as i write this, i know that it is also so true. in fact, it is the very belief that i am working through at the end of my sixth step. my greatest fear is that someone will tell me exactly what they think of me, and i will not be able to handle their honesty. my assignment was to ask several people what they thought of me as a man, a person , a recovering addict and a peer. the answers i got were amazing, and my first response was to minimize the assets they revealed and maximize the defects, so their opinions would neatly fit into what i already believed i knew. the trick for me, was to take these comments at face value, and accept them exactly as they were. so what happened? well for one, my greatest fear has been reduced to an uncomfortable anxiety. and the most important thing is, that now i have an additional tool against the alienation i feel sometimes. i am just like everyone else, i have qualities, talents, assets, and defects. the whole package is what makes me unique, and not different. so off to face a quick crisis and see if i can make things better, for everyone including myself today!
those feelings can still resurface today, even after some time clean. yes, i know better, that there is a place ion this fellowship for, and yes i realize that there is hope that i can recover and make it through today without having to use. and yes i even realize that all i have found here is acceptance and love, regardless of what transpires on a day to day basis. and yet…
…so what up? well some days i feel like i am so unique, that no one will ever ‘get’ me. i isolate myself from those who may see something i wish not to reveal, believing that if anyone found out what was really going on in my head, i would be sure to suffer scorn and humiliation, as silly as that sounds to me, right now, as i write this, i know that it is also so true. in fact, it is the very belief that i am working through at the end of my sixth step. my greatest fear is that someone will tell me exactly what they think of me, and i will not be able to handle their honesty. my assignment was to ask several people what they thought of me as a man, a person , a recovering addict and a peer. the answers i got were amazing, and my first response was to minimize the assets they revealed and maximize the defects, so their opinions would neatly fit into what i already believed i knew. the trick for me, was to take these comments at face value, and accept them exactly as they were. so what happened? well for one, my greatest fear has been reduced to an uncomfortable anxiety. and the most important thing is, that now i have an additional tool against the alienation i feel sometimes. i am just like everyone else, i have qualities, talents, assets, and defects. the whole package is what makes me unique, and not different. so off to face a quick crisis and see if i can make things better, for everyone including myself today!
∞ DT ∞