Blog entry for:

from society, family, and self, i spun further and further into isolation, as my addiction took me further and further from reality. even though i vehemently denied i had a problem, after all, it could not possible be the drugs, i suspected that something was amiss. the untimely intervention of the justice disaster in my life, saved me from the living death that i was so oblivious to, for all those years. recovery, no matter how hard i resist it, is my ticket back to having a “normal” life, even if i have no idea what “normal” looks like. i often come back to this point, looking “normal,” because from the outside, recovery has given me all the trappings of a “normal” life. the stuff i struggle with, is how do i become better connected when all of my life i have insisted that i was better off alone and without messy emotional ties.
as i approach seventy-five hundred days clean, i can see my aversion to social situations, rearing its head once again. i had resolved not to attend either of the local meetings on Tuesday night in order to allow them to go through whatever pains or growing pains they needed to. last night, i decided to attend the newest one, and found myself in a very uncomfortable;e social situation. i almost got up and left when a sponsee from way back when walked in, and i certainly did not want to “interact” with him, for any length of time. i stayed and listened. as i sat there, listening, i realized that clean time does not equal recovery, and sometimes my peers, who have more clean time than me, struggle with issue, that i long ago resolved. they, on the other hand, are clueless about what it means to be socially inept and practiced at the art of hiding in plain sight. that gruesome twosome has been the watchwords of my “connection” with the world for as long as i can remember, and certainly before i ever sampled that little drop of poison, that kicked this whole process into high gear.
this morning i certainly have a bit more clarity about what is going on, inside of me. i have a passion for recovery and the desperation i once felt, is long gone, and i am certainly grateful for that gift. my FEAR of connecting and being vulnerable, still rules, however and keeps me from being a part of, or even sharing when i attend local meetings. ironically, if the meeting is not in my home town, more than likely i will share. for me, allowing myself to connect, by giving my peers a small piece of me, is probably something i need to consider. even though i tell myself that i do not share, simply to break the silence or to hear the sound of my own voice, what it really is, is hiding in plain sight, after all, here i am, at a local meeting, what more does one expect of me?!
certainly an interesting train of thought for my windshield time, down to the office. it is a good day to be clean and maybe, just maybe… nope that is a lie, i will not be attending the local meeting tonight, so i will not be sharing at it. so maybe tomorrow night i wioll break my cone of silence and share what life in my world looks like these days.

∞ DT ∞