Blog entry for:

a life i was meant to live, through living a program of active recovery was not something i thought i ever wanted. in fact, if one had inquired, i would have said i already believed i was living the life i was meant to have and more importantly, the one i deserved. as i stay clean and start to see myself as i really am, instead of how i fantasized i could be, i see that the belief structure i walked into the rooms with, still has a few pieces remaining. one of those persistent slabs of foundational beliefs that still whisper to me, is that i am broken beyond repair and never, ever should show my true self to anyone the rest of my life.
okay got a bit distracted there and “needed” to go buy some cigars. where was i?
ah yes, dealing with the remnants of the crap that has held me back my entire life. it is true that it took over two decades of recovery to finally get at the very core of the lies i told myself to exists in this world. it is also true that releasing myself from under the yoke of that burden created strong feelings of anger and yes resentment towards myself and the person that gave me the opening to start oppressing and suppressing myself. sitting here a few years later, after coming through that process, the resentment is gone and now i am dealing with the remorse of what “might have been.” even that is fading as i prioritize taking care of myself and embracing the life that i do have. it may not be prefect, but it is a far sight better than the only one i ever had.
this morning as i decide that i am going to work out, inside again today, i see that too is a decision that i make that benefits me, rather than makes me look weak and feeble. i CHOOSE to be okay utilizing a resource that i have earned just by going around the sun sixty-five times. i also know that i am not entitled to anything, especially when it comes to my physical and financial fitness. i earn my keep every day and earning my recovery keep is no differnt. when i choose to live a program, i win, even when it feels as if i am losing. i do not need to “hunt” each and every day, because my larder is quite full/ just for today, i can be okay knowing that i am still more than a bit sick and seek the evidence i need to continue to dismantle the foundations of what drives me to isolate and hide.

∞ DT ∞