๐ฉ hostile, resentful, ๐ช
Posted: Sun, Jan 24, 2021 12:56:12 PM
self-centered, and self-seeking is without a doubt a perfect description of who i was when i got clean and persisted through the eighteen months of mere abstinence. i was different after all, and i was not going to succumb to 12 step way of life “cult,” no matter what. it would be nice to say that because of learning how to live a program of active recovery, all of that has been removed from my day-to-day life. the sad fact of my life, is that i can exhibit any or all of that litany of evil, on any given day. the good news is, that in general, that does not occur with any regularity and most days, i skate through with none of the above. as much as i would like to pretend that i am some sort of recovery guru or saint, the fact is, i am just another addict in recovery, doing his best to live up to the spiritual values i have chosen to adopt.
today, my plan of the day, was way off my beaten track and as a result, i am just getting around to finishing up my weekly tasks, now. part of the “problem” is my commitment to my aging parents and their needs. balancing that with the needs of my spouse, and my physical fitness desires, created this situation and i am not bothered by it in the slightest. i mention this, because, when i have to radically change my plans, for any reason, the litany of evil usually looms large and in a minute i am isolated once again by those traits. it become me against the world and any spiritual balance flies out the window. what is different today, is that i remembered i chose to set my day up in a different manner and the results are what they are: a load of laundry left in the dryer, this exercise being pounded out before football starts and having to run, before i ate breakfast. i have not vanished in a huff of smoke, nor will i head off to the nearest purveyor of a perfectly legal substance, as neither of those actions are really called for.
as i get ready to post this, the one notion that keeps popping up, is a bit of gratitude that i can let go of who i was and learn to be comfortable with who i am becoming. right here and right now, i am somewhere between those extremes. even though my spiritual GPS keeps telling me that my location cannot found, i can be secure in the knowledge that i might be able to determine the next right thing to do.
today, my plan of the day, was way off my beaten track and as a result, i am just getting around to finishing up my weekly tasks, now. part of the “problem” is my commitment to my aging parents and their needs. balancing that with the needs of my spouse, and my physical fitness desires, created this situation and i am not bothered by it in the slightest. i mention this, because, when i have to radically change my plans, for any reason, the litany of evil usually looms large and in a minute i am isolated once again by those traits. it become me against the world and any spiritual balance flies out the window. what is different today, is that i remembered i chose to set my day up in a different manner and the results are what they are: a load of laundry left in the dryer, this exercise being pounded out before football starts and having to run, before i ate breakfast. i have not vanished in a huff of smoke, nor will i head off to the nearest purveyor of a perfectly legal substance, as neither of those actions are really called for.
as i get ready to post this, the one notion that keeps popping up, is a bit of gratitude that i can let go of who i was and learn to be comfortable with who i am becoming. right here and right now, i am somewhere between those extremes. even though my spiritual GPS keeps telling me that my location cannot found, i can be secure in the knowledge that i might be able to determine the next right thing to do.
∞ DT ∞