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i am really clueless about what to write this morning. one part of me wants to go down the path of how well i am doing this whole connection gig and credit the program, GOD and the people i share my recovery with for giving me the tools to do this. another part of me wants to go down the path of how out of touch i am with the ‘real’ world.
and actually, as always the truth lies somewhere in between. i have only in the past two days discovered a new FEAR and a possible reservation within myslef about the direction reality is taking me. i thought i had dealt with this issue before, with the work i have completed in the program and here it is rearing its ugly head at the worst possible time. i will succumb to fear, but truthfully i do not feal particularly brave or courageous this morning. if given the chance to back out right here, right now i would! and you just putting that on the table makes me feel a bit better. and i guess i am in the process of connecting to the reality within myself. i was imagining the worse possible thing i could do is to tell my partner that it is her and my life with her that turns my stools to water and creates a situation within me that i find intolerable -- FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT!
the second part of this is that if i am so clueless about what is going on inside me, how can i be certain of the reality of the world around me. what else am i missing that is critical to my survival? what else have i not seen that can cuase me pain and misery? when will the next shoe drop?
so back to the reading, the HOPE that was presented in the reading is that IF i continue to persevere and diligently work the program that gave me this new life, i will better connected to the world around and within me. i will not miss the vital clues to solving the mystery of reality and i will be able to move forward with a little more confidence and strength, and a little less fear, uncertainty and doubt. freedom from active addiction has meant freedom from the isolation within the walls i built around me to protect myself from the mere chance of pain and anguish. i acn recover, i can be connected to my life, my world and everyone and everything within that world, if only i let go and have FAITH that this is something i can do today. and do my best to accept reality as it is and not alter it to fit my preconceived notions. i want to be more connected. i want to have a better grasp on reality and most of all i want freedom from my self-created isolation and the reading this morning tells me that not only is that possible, it is also highly probable if i keep on doing what is suggested. just for today!

∞ DT ∞