โ as i went further and further in active addiction โ
Posted: Thu, Jan 24, 2013 08:32:17 AM
my life had lost meaning, and i withdrew further and further from reality. okay so this is one of those mornings, where nothing i do seems to go right on the first try. i am a bit frustrated and not quite sure what is going on, BUT, i can move forward with me day and accept that it is just been that way up to now. i CAN accept the reality of the situation and be more deliberate with what i want to accomplish.
of all the events that popped into my life this morning, the most telling was a self-cenetered phone cll at 6:00 am. the addict on the other end of the line, while they have been AROUND recovery for several years. is so self-centered that they believe that they can call at any time just to chat. i could go on, but that behavior sparks a reaction from me, and how i treated others when i was deep into the life of an active addict. i would not hesitate to call anyone, at anytime, IF i thought i NEEDED something from them, and that something was not always my next fix. i would not think that maybe, just maybe they were sleeping, or at work or just relaxing. what i wanted took precedence over everything and everyone.
I CAME FIRST, PERIOD!
today, i am more than a bit bummed that my snoring woke up the woman of my life last night and she had to move to the spare bedroom. the difference is that today i care. sure i need my sleep, but not at the expense of someone else's. i get that all that i do, has consequences today, good, bad or indifferent. which brings me back to my theme of balance between polar opposites. more and more, i am beginning to see that a symptom of the tug of war between addiction and recovery within me, very rarely achieves that balance. it is only once i surrender and accept that addiction is part of me, and will always be a part of me, that the battle ceases and i can recover. reality today means that i get to do this gig. i have an affect on the lives of those around me, and it is my choice to limit the less than stellar effects as a consequnce of my actions. the addict who called? well i more than likely owe them an apology, they are just plain obtuse to reality, i know better and yet i was curt and more than likely a bit rude. will i go chase them down? not hardly, i value my recovery too much to look for a using addict, BUT, when the opportunity arises i will own my wrongs and do what i can to fix them.
as the bus is approaching the last stop, i will just say, that today i can be in touch with reality and connected to the rest of the world.
of all the events that popped into my life this morning, the most telling was a self-cenetered phone cll at 6:00 am. the addict on the other end of the line, while they have been AROUND recovery for several years. is so self-centered that they believe that they can call at any time just to chat. i could go on, but that behavior sparks a reaction from me, and how i treated others when i was deep into the life of an active addict. i would not hesitate to call anyone, at anytime, IF i thought i NEEDED something from them, and that something was not always my next fix. i would not think that maybe, just maybe they were sleeping, or at work or just relaxing. what i wanted took precedence over everything and everyone.
I CAME FIRST, PERIOD!
today, i am more than a bit bummed that my snoring woke up the woman of my life last night and she had to move to the spare bedroom. the difference is that today i care. sure i need my sleep, but not at the expense of someone else's. i get that all that i do, has consequences today, good, bad or indifferent. which brings me back to my theme of balance between polar opposites. more and more, i am beginning to see that a symptom of the tug of war between addiction and recovery within me, very rarely achieves that balance. it is only once i surrender and accept that addiction is part of me, and will always be a part of me, that the battle ceases and i can recover. reality today means that i get to do this gig. i have an affect on the lives of those around me, and it is my choice to limit the less than stellar effects as a consequnce of my actions. the addict who called? well i more than likely owe them an apology, they are just plain obtuse to reality, i know better and yet i was curt and more than likely a bit rude. will i go chase them down? not hardly, i value my recovery too much to look for a using addict, BUT, when the opportunity arises i will own my wrongs and do what i can to fix them.
as the bus is approaching the last stop, i will just say, that today i can be in touch with reality and connected to the rest of the world.
∞ DT ∞