Some memes

at the end of my resistance to recovery, a ray of light shone through: i could find a way out of addiction and into recovery. even though i was more than certain that recovery would never work for someone like me, i still grasped at that straw and found my way into a place of HOPE, for the first time since i was sentenced to at least three years of mere abstinence. this time of year, i dwell in this house of pain, believing that i need to be severely reminded of what may be in store for me, if i do not make my clean date anniversary. it is far from respectful of myself and is certainly not a productive manner in which to spend the end of another trip around the sun, clean. i want what i want and i will do what i want to do, but dammit all, why do i have to hurt myself so much. where is the HOPE that yes, i was far from willing, but today is the willingness to do whatsoever it takes to foster my recovery.
i usually do not look for rays of hope in my life for any reason, as i have come to believe that what i get in my life, just is. whether it is a result of stuff i do, decision i make or just life on its own terms. i might find myself at the bottom of a well of despair, but usually i am looking for the ways and means to free myself or get help from those i trust, rather than hoping that someone or something happens along to free me from my predicament. i prefer constructive action to wishing and hoping, since i no longer accept a life that is lived by default. nevertheless, i certainly can find HOPE in the fact that today, just for today, i made my daily decision to live a life in active recovery. where once i waited for life to make decisions for me, today, i want to be deliberate and make the conscious choices that will grant me the opportunity to get whatever it is i need to get, just for today.

∞ DT ∞