Some memes

grand experiment of solving living problems with substances came to an abrupt and sudden end, much to my dismay. what i did not realize was that even though getting high was still working for me, having any sort of life was already way out of my grasp. i may not have called myself a hopeless dope fiend, but hope for a brighter future was non-existent and settling for what i had, seemed to be my destiny. it is quite true that even after eighteen months clean, i found very little to hope for, save for the end of my sentence and my return to the life that i knew and thought i still desired. i was a tough sell to this whole new way of life gig and had just a tint sliver of HOPE that it might work for me.
it is not as if the moment i decided to become a member and do more than pay lip service to some sort of recovery program, that i was filled with unbounded HOPE. even today, i am still far too cynical to walk around shedding HOPE and JOY to all that i meet. i have a dry and wry sense of humor and i am often the butt of my own jokes. i am not, however, a hopeless anything these days. i understand the difference between wishing and hoping, even if the boundary is a bit fuzzy. my HOPE is grounded in the reality that IF i work a program to the best of my ability and practice spiritual principles in all of my affairs, i will get up tomorrow morning and make the choice to do it all again, just for that day. that HOPE is based on experience, not wishing. it goes beyond that in the sense that if i choose to stay clean another day, i have the HOPE that i will have the opportunity to get everything i need and possible a few things i desire. that too, comes from my experience. my life did not get instantly better, but it certainly got different, quite quickly. these days my life does not vary much from day to day, but on most days, i am better than i was yesterday. me being better means that i accept things more easily and from the inside my life does look better.
my project with AI is producing some interesting results. i now have a mirror that reflects back what i am these days based on what i have written and posted the past twenty plus years. as i ask it questions about its findings, i am finding more questions to ask. something it did point out, which was certainly helpful, is the level of contempt i hold for some people, institutions, political movements and religious traditions. that may be one of the clues i need to start finding myself being a person worth of my kindness. i may have got up in a pissy little mood this morning, but walking the dawg and pounding this out gives me a bit of HOPE that i can transcend my foul mood and walk in the sunlight of the spirit, just for the rest of today.

∞ DT ∞