Blog entry for:

as one can tell by what i have been writing not all is well in my internal world. i am simmering on low heat, all of the time at work, just waiting for that one event or comment to tip me over into full-blown rage, and i DO NOT find this state of being pleasurable, or desirable. my fitness program helps me burn some of that “negative” off and meditation has certainly helped me avoid doing or saying something that would upset my co-workers and clients. it has, however, not relieved the root cause, which is me being angry that the world at work is not spinning in the direction i would like it to spin. unmet expectations and my emotional reactions to them are burning down my house.
with all that as a prelude, what came to me this morning was the question of why i was attaching so much of my personal worth in how well things are going at work? the fact of the matter is that i have resolved the outages in less than fifteen minutes the past two days. i made changes to a “live” application yesterday without affecting my users and i am working with my team mates to take care of an ongoing issue with an overnight job that will not run as it is supposed to do. all in all, i can tout those as successes. they all can see that and that certainly does plop into the self-worth bucket. how the application is responding under load this year, is not something i need to take on, at least not attach to my worth. my job is to get it through the day without crashing and when the walls come tumbling down, do what i can to get them back in action. being reactive rather than proactive, however is making me crazed and quite grumpy.
the answer i got to my question this morning, was to let go of the mistakes the dev team made in what they put out there. continue to seek solutions to make the application run smoother and more stable and be in the here and now, without having to deflect blame or take on criticism of what i cannot control. it is going to be another long day, and maybe i will be able to get to a meeting and out of the house this afternoon, for a cigar and some down time. right now, no one and nothing is screaming for my attention, so it is off into this chilly morning to get some miles under my belt. oh yeah and maybe a spot inventory or two will be required as the day progresses and does not meet my expectations.

∞ DT ∞